Flippin' Sweet!

Neverland no exist?

2012-01-29T02:33:00.001+08:00

I'm going through a phase that I thought only happened to the-boy-who-never-ages, Peter Pan. No, I have not found an antidote that stops the aging process. It's just that right now, reaching this point in life, where I am already in my 20s, I am afraid of growing up.

It's funny that, as a teenager, I couldn't wait to grow up, be a responsible, working adult with a profession that I loved and can be proud of. Like, when you meet someone new at a party, the number one dreaded question that can never be avoided in a conversation is....what do you work as? It's even worst than talking about the weather.

As a virgin in adulthood, and still living with your parents, you know life won't be good to you. Parents are constantly nagging at you to get a job, while thrusting job enlistment ads in your face, trying to get you to be interested in mundane office jobs. Oh, the joy of working as an admin officer! I love the opportunity it offers me, to be able to sit in front of the computer and stare at spreadsheets all day with the phone ringing off the hook!

Right now, I would give my left nut to be able to go back to being a high school student again. Only, I don't have nuts. That's why it is never going to happen. I might as well try and act appropriately for my age, be mature and all. Peter has it good.

A daughter's wish

2012-01-21T01:14:00.002+08:00

It is so painful and heart-wrenching to see your mother cry. And, worse, there is nothing you can do about to make her feel better.

Tears were rolling down her cheeks as she was sitting beside me while I was having my dinner. She was silently crying, not making it obvious while she wiped her tears away. I just sat there, not looking at her because I felt it would be awkward. The only sound heard was the clinking of my chopsticks against the porcelain bowl, and of me munching away.

Dad was to blame. He never really cared much about my mom's feelings whenever he speaks. Or respected her. The names that he called her every time they argued, it makes me want to throw up. I used to defend her when I was little. I would cry and drag my dad into the room, demanding that he apologize to my mom. Usually, it works. But as I got older, I tend to just blend into the background, listening, but not doing anything. Waiting until they cooled down, or I just left the room.

Mom has told me that after being married to each other for such a long time, the reason they never gotten divorced was not because of love. They have gotten so used to living with each other, that there was no reason to want to go through all the process of finding a new love again. And, it was also for us kids. I don't really agree with her reason, but I also do not want them to go through all the pain of getting a divorce. I just hope that, one day, they will finally learn to tolerate each other, respect each other, and know that the man, or woman, sleeping on the same bed for all these years, will be the same person you're growing old with.

zap them into thin air

2012-01-17T01:31:00.002+08:00

I was taking the public transport today, and I, unwittingly, chose to board the train at 5 in the evening. Those who are unemployed or lucky to have a day off during a weekday knows to avoid taking public transports at that time because that's when working people leave their cubicle for the day and go home. So, obviously, the train was crammed like sardines. I am not tall, therefor I am short. It was one of the worst places to be stuck at. Me, struggling to balance myself as there weren't much space for me to stand, and bumping against those sweaty bodies. Ugh.

Well, if you ever took up moral studies, you know you should always give your seat to those who needs it more than you do, i.e. old folks, the handicapped, pregnant ladies or mothers with little kids. I am always glad to do so, and I normally stand, because I know that if my butt touches that seat, it would take a great deal of effort on my part to lift it off. I do so willingly, when the need arises, but I'm lazy. But when I see those 40-60 year old aunties cutting the que just so she could rush in and snatch the only seat available, I get so MAD! She doesn't look that old to begin with, and there were other women who crushes my heart to see them standing, like a woman who has the fluffiest set of white hair, or the mother who has 2 little kids clinging on to her. And it was obvious the kids were very uncomfortable as the train was so crowded, it was hard for them to breathe in between so many pairs of legs. It was already hard for ME to breathe.

And worse of all, when the person next to that selfish wart left, she immediately moved her pouch and her bag of groceries on to the seat, without a hesitation. People keep complaining that youngsters these days are rude. But have they ever come across people their age, male AND female, behaving worse? It is like we should treat them like royalty. They have the right to cut lines, shove us out of the way, or wait for them while they slowly picked out their groceries with their trolley hogging the whole lane. And when you speak up, politely asking them to move the trolley aside, they start glaring at you. As if you just cussed at them.

Where did those examples come from? Well, I went grocery shopping with my parents once, and I was pushing the trolley because I just liked doing that. I pushed my cart into the dry food aisle, looking for the canned soup section. YUM. Anyway, after I had selected my soup, I proceeded to push my cart along the aisle, looking for my mum. Now the lanes in this supermarket is big enough for 2 carts to pass through. And this not-so-old aunty had her cart parked on the left side of the lane, while she was standing on the right. She was taking her time picking out what she wanted. She picked one up, thought about it, shakes her head, puts it back and picked up another one. She did this for at least a century. I was starting to get old, waiting for her to make up her mind. As I couldn't wait any longer, I said, VERY POLITELY, "excuse me, could you push your cart to the other side as it's blocking the lane and I can't get through". I expected her to giggle a little, pushed the cart away while apologising with a smile. Old ladies can be very scary. She did push her cart away, but not before she glared at me and mumbled something under her breath. I caught a few words, like "why did you come into this aisle in the first place", and "I was here first", and, ironically, she called me rude. I swore I could've start lashing out at her but I knew my mom would disapprove. I did tell my mom about the incident. All she had to say was, "there are many kinds of people in this world. You have to learn to deal with them."

Thanks for the great advice mom. I will. The next time I'm in a line, and a haggard old lady pushes me away roughly to cut in front of me, I'll just shout "AVADA KEDAVRA" and make her disappear - forever. And that's how you deal with rude aunties.

It didn't rain today

2012-01-15T18:20:00.000+08:00

What is it about girls and lying to impress a guy? If lying gets you the man, then I don't know how you can say that relationship you have is "so honest and real". Let's take my friend for example. Well, I don't think we're considered as friends because we hardly talk to each other ever since we graduated. But let's just refer to her as my friend. It'll be way easier than calling her the girl I used to hang out with in school. So, anyway, she had a crush on a guy in our class and never fail to keep me updated on his likes, dislikes and what not. I swear, it was like she was stalking him, but through Facebook. I admit, I do sometimes check on the profiles of people on my friends list, but not that excessively. That's why I keep reminding myself not to expose myself much on social networking sites, in an effort to avoid something like this happening to me. Not that it did, but there were, I wouldn't know because stalkers are meant to be discreet. But my friend, she's not even hiding the fact that she checks up on his profile every hour.

Well, some guys can be pretty egoistic and are attention whores. So to cut it short, the guy found out. I swear that that was part of my friend's plan by telling everyone, even those she's not close with, about her little crush. She's smart. Embarrassing, but brave. Naturally, they got together. Now, I think that it's an awful idea to hook up this quick, but that's just me being practical. It's not for everyone.

I, for one, have no ounce of interest in knowing about people's love life. I tried to show my disdain whenever my friend started telling me details about them that I really found boring, but maybe she's too ignorant, or she just didn't care that I wasn't paying attention. To sum it all up, she just told me about the lies she had to tell him, to keep him being interested in her. "Do you like the outdoors?" "Of course, I love it! I love nature." "What about the bugs, and the mud if it rains?" "Oh, that's just part of the fun!" "Do you like computer games?" "Yes! I play them all the time!" "Which are your favourites?" "Oh...you know, the one where you have to...shoot the enemies...those kinds."

I cringe every time this came up in our conversations. What are you going to do if your lies catches up to you in the future? And doesn't it bother you that the guy that is supposedly "the one" likes you based on the persona that you are portraying with your lies? And when he finds out you are nothing like the girl he thought you were and fell in love with, he WILL leave you. Can you handle the guilt and responsibility of breaking his heart because you weren't truthful throughout the relationship? I couldn't.

So girls, stop trying to lie or change yourself just to fit the requirements of the guy you think you love. Because, at the end, you're going to find out that it's not you he loves, but the girl who you made up just to be with him. Time to wise up.

my first, and also last

2012-01-12T00:12:00.000+08:00

today was my first day of my first job since I graduated. and, already, I feel so unmotivated to go back again. I bet dozens of people go through the same thing too. nerves; they always get to you when you make up your mind to be braver than before.

as I sat there, in the office, looking at a guy setting up my computer for me, an audible sigh escaped my lips. and I didn't even make an attempt to cover it up. I was THAT bored, and THAT unhappy with this job and it wasn't even noon yet. as the day went on, I kept glancing at the clock at the bottom of the screen, hoping that it will miraculously change to 6:30 the next time I look at it. never had I experience such a dull moment, where I felt so useless. and I kept thinking to myself, "what the heck am I doing here? why am I wasting my time doing this while I could get a job that actually makes a difference to people's lives?" it was my mistake, thinking that I could handle an admin's job.

I've always wanted to become someone that could change people's lives. make them feel better about themselves, and this in turn makes me feel good. I've always had low self esteem issues. I felt that I was useless, and my existence only makes things worse for my family. at the back of my mind, the idea of being a therapist/psychiatrist was something that I have toyed with. but I was never confident enough to pursue it as I wasn't really into science and the best result I got was a B in bio. (confidence issue again). but now, more than ever, I feel that I am ready for this.

now, I don't mean to brag, but a few people have told me before that I was smart. in fact, too smart for my own good, as I tend to over think and over analyze things, which in turn makes me feel miserable as I tend to be a worrywart. I have a niche in reading people's emotions, expressions, character, behavior etc. and 8 out of 10 times, I get them right. and I have always found that a human's mind is so fascinating, it makes me want to study about it more.

majoring in psychology is tough, but, I hope that for once, I'll really bust my arse off for this.

mama no trust me

2012-01-09T19:55:00.003+08:00

my headbanging buddy whenever I listen to music in my room

look at him, enjoying his drumstick, without a care in the world

'tis now dusk. the sky is starting to get dark. and, lucky me! the ceiling light in my room is busted, so I have to make do with my night light. now you know my little secret, I sleep with a night light. if you are nyctophobic like me, and you can't sleep without a light on, you'll know that a night light has to be DIM. who can fall asleep with bright lights blaring into their eyes? so to have my night light on as a substitute for my normal reading lights, well let's just say, it's more of a source of comfort. I'll just have to make do with my light from my lappie's screen. my eyes are almost bleeding from the glaring brightness, but it's so much better than typing blindly on my keyboard. otherwise, (typing with my eyes shut) my blog post will look something like this. holy crap! I swear I had my eyes closed while I was typing that! I'm a wizard, teehee!

don't you hate it that your parents have no faith in you when it comes to finding a job? I went for a job interview a few days ago, and they told me they would call me back to confirm the working hours. my parents were hovering over me all day, asking whether they called back. they started doing that since morning and it was worse than having a fly buzzing around you. I mean, at least with a fly, you can swat at it and it'll leave you alone for a few minutes. but, with parents, you had to muster all the strength in you that you never knew you had before this, and answer them. no use swatting them away. it only makes them more annoyed, which is something you wouldn't want them to be. angry parents = you're dead.

anyway, I told them, several times, NO, they haven't called yet. instead of an "oh" and walking away, they started saying things which doesn't make things, or me, feel better.

"did they call yet?"

"no."

"they're not gonna call. you should probably find another job. I saw a good one in the job enlistment section of today's paper. why don't you try giving them a call?"

"no, mum. it's barely 3 in the afternoon yet. why can't we wait a little longer?"

"if they wanted you, they would've called you sooner. it's your fault for telling them you wanted to continue your studies."

"why is it MY FAULT? I just told them the truth!"

"no one wants to hire someone when they know he/she's going to be bailing after a few months."

note to self: never tell parents what happened during job interviews.

but, MY patience paid off. they called me at 5:31 pm. I don't care if it wasn't professional of them to call then, I just wanted to prove my mom wrong. God will not let misfortune fall upon those who tell the truth. WIN.

you know you're meant to study psychology when you're a more rational thinker than your mom. HAHA

y u no call earlier?

2012-01-06T23:20:00.002+08:00

gah! don't you hate it when bad timing ruined your chances of getting something better in life?

it's so weird. i was sooo hoping to get a job at groupon. i even sent my resume to them. they told me that i would be contacted within 3 days if my application was shortlisted. if you waited till the 3rd day, and you still haven't gotten a call or e-mail yet, naturally you'll assume you didn't get it. so i went to this interview for another job (an admin job, oh gosh), and (haha) i got it. yeah. nothing to shout about. i'm not exactly thrilled about it. but something else made the day worse.

GROUPON CALLED ME AT FLIPPING 7:30PM! like, dude! i know we malaysians are guilty of doing things at the last minute. but come on! you could've at least called me in the afternoon! way to go! and you guys call yourself efficient. ya-huh.

i went for the interview for the admin position and the guy was asking me, you're not planning on leaving the job after a few months, are you? cuz i said i might further my studies. and i said, no. and he replied, oh good cuz a number of applicants we hired prior to this just bailed on us after a few months. OH GAWD. that was one of the reasons why i just couldn't accept the job at groupon. imagine how i'm perceived in their mind when i have to call them the next day and say, oh hey i guess i might not be coming for work next week. and forever.

it might be just like what my mom told me, it was meant to be comforting, but meh - it just wasn't meant to be.

grammer mistakes? noooo!

2012-01-06T00:20:00.001+08:00

i have always wanted to be a freelance article writer. but, dang it! apparently i still make grammatical errors when i write. yeah, yeah, i know whose fault it is - my english teachers! i never get cool teachers who tells you to call them by their first names, or buy you a cup of coffee while they listen to your childish complaints about life. why can't they make classes interesting enough to keep me from dozing off during grammer class?!

the only reason i don't skip class is because i like literature. whenever the teacher tells us to take out the phantom of the opera, or whatever we were studying that year, i always squeal in delight. on the inside, that is. i don't squeal for people to hear. but, because i get overeager to finish the story in the shortest time as possible, i speed read. really fast. i don't pay much attention to the grammer or anything. just the keywords, which are, surprisingly, enough for me to grasp the plot of the story. but of course there are minor disadvantages when i speed read. i sometimes miss the little details that somehow, rather annoyingly, become the major plot later on in the story. then i will have to flip through the pages again, or if i'm oddly in a good mood that day, i start reading from chapter 1 again. (which happened when i was reading the last harry potter book)

BUT, i guess it's not my calling. who knows, it might be a sign that there are greater things in store for me.

rant of an angry moth

2012-01-05T23:59:00.001+08:00

when you were a kid, you are constantly nagged at to put your toys away, and to eat your veggies. when you started school, you worried about finishing your homework and getting good grades to keep your parents happy and become less of a worrywart. then college comes, where they push you to work harder so you could "get a real job and earn some real money, be your own boss". now that you've graduated, barely a month into your honeymoon, they tell you to get your ass off the couch and start looking for a job.

to be honest, this is not how i imagined my life to be. or, at least, my youth. i wanna try everything that i lay my eyes on, anything that seems unorthodox to my parents: tattoo artist, even a dog walker. i'm just turning 21 this year, and getting a serious job, committing hours of work for a measly pay isn't part of my goal or plan in life. if i get to live till 80, i don't want to spend 60 years of my life working my ass off when i could've enjoyed it while i was young and gay, flexible and energetic.

oh, i'm sure there will be people saying to themselves, huh, you should work and start saving now. you want to enjoy life? why not wait till you retire? NAH-UH! i don't want to be all wrinkly and weak when i travel. i don't want to be snoozing away in the afternoon when i could've spent the day rock climbing. or get a heart attack while i jump off a cliff. no, being a youth is the perfect opportunity for me to soak up everything i see, to actually be able to savour the magical moment when you go somewhere new, or see mona lisa up close, to try exotic foods that you have no idea what the ingredients are. being young is the time for being brave enough to do whatever you want. if anyone else doesn't agree with me, then you might as well just be a shriveled up old sponge - useless.

oh yeah!

2011-12-21T04:32:00.003+08:00

i'm going solo now. WHEEEWW!!!

me: can i draw a mustache on my face with eyeliner?
me: why not?

me: can i listen to music on full volume in the car?
me: why, that's what i like to do too!

me: i don't feel like exercising.
me: hey, who am i to judge? i'm lazy too.

me: can i have kimchi and ice cream at the same time?
me: ho ho ho, who doesn't like to eat?

me: can i walk in the rain?
me: gosh, you're so romantic XD

as much as i miss that particular person, i can't let this misery and self pity drag on. shoo...what's wrong with enjoying a piece of cake all alone? i don't like sharing! and, somehow, i feel like i can do anything now. no one's tying me down. and i kind of like that.

burrow

2011-12-07T00:18:00.001+08:00

when you're with someone for such a long time, and it stops, for the first few days and months, you can't tell if it's him you miss, or just the relationship. this is by far the hardest decision i have to make. well...go...me...

eeks!

2011-06-01T22:29:00.000+08:00

argh!!! i'm too quick to judge someone...and most disgustingly, someone i know!! i'm so sorry. i've treated you unkindly, so who am i to call you names? eventhough it did hurt, but it was in the past. gosh, i wonder if i deserve to be forgiven.

alrighty mates, it's time for the battle to begin! few more hours and i'm off to steer myself on a better path. wish me luck, puss, pedro, and anyone else who wants to wish me.

love

2011-05-31T01:55:00.001+08:00

there are times when all seems lost,
and the journey feels like it's coming to an end,
but never fret as every life has a cause,
for you are God's gift, a heaven sent.

pick yourself up and continue on,
help will come to those whose hearts are pure,
be true to yourself and others, do no wrong,
love and respect those who are dear.

there will never be a time when you are alone,
for someone will guide you, here or up above,
be brave on this journey, discover the unknown,
bask in the joy, the glory of love.

so bitter

2011-05-31T01:28:00.000+08:00

back from a long hiatus. lots have happened. gained insight to many things. life, there were ups and downs. but hey, that's normal. whose life is all happy happy joy joy everyday?

can you imagine? i'm part of the working class now. me. lim su chen. working. boy, have i grown up or what?

still, there are times when i wish i was back in high school. where all i had to worry about was my grades. i just went to school, crapped about everything under the sky with my best buds, and try to hand up my assignments on time. nothing else to fret about.

oh, and if you think i'm going to be a tool for you to dump your problems on, you're very mistaken. you've used me once, i won't let it happen again. think that i'm only good for experimenting with your messed up love life? or come running to me when you have crap waiting to be dumped on someone else's shoulders? well, jump into a cement mixer, mate. no one wants a "friend" like you. and no one needs a person tugging them on their sleeves constantly, waiting for them to pity you.

hope you get the message. now stop bothering me. there are plenty of other girls for you to bother. i'm thinking they won't mind it as much as i do. or they probably will. well, poor you.

yeah

2010-10-08T14:12:00.002+08:00

there's the happy stuff but there's also the bad stuff. but all in all, the good always surpasses the bad. and it's been absolutely amazing. no regrets what so ever. thank YOU so much for YOUR blessings. this has been the most fascinating adventure i've ever been on and i hope that it'll never ever end. HALLELUJAH!!!

it's okayyyyyyy!!!

2010-08-02T22:05:00.000+08:00

on the good ship, lollipop
it's a sweet trip to the candy shop
where bon bons play at the sunny beach in peppermint bay
lemonade stands everywhere
cracker jack bands fills the air
and there you are...whoosh!
happy landing on a chocolate bar

squish squash....pumpkin sauce

2010-07-29T11:23:00.000+08:00

emotional wreck...blah blah blah....go away dumb feelings...blah blah blah....you're ruining my life...shoo shoo shoo...this is insane!!!

it's sad when you realise that that person close to you whom you thought have changed for the better hadn't really changed after all! what's more upsetting is that THAT person is actually YOURSELF! i thought that it all went away...oh how wrong am i to think so...stupid suchen.

but u'm determined to not let this get in my way. i will make a change and stop this once and for all....ahem...after all, i have the motivation and faith that i need right now. ain't so negative after all...eh?

2010-06-07T12:38:00.000+08:00

it's official...i suck at making important decisions in life.

gosh...guess my mom is right about me, i attract bad things in my life. or maybe it's just me, thinking way too much, worrying even more. just my luck. pray that all things go well, and be still, my heart.

sqwak

2010-05-23T16:01:00.000+08:00

holy cupcakes!! i just noticed that i'm the only one from MIB who has never blogged about baking...at all!! or post pictures of my products. maybe my mom's right, i've never really shown my passion for baking. maybe this isn't what i want in life after all.

i don't understand. they say it's not healthy to have pessimistic thoughts all the time. so shouldn't i feel lucky that i'm naive and ignorant about the bad things in life? so yeah, it can be dangerous to be too naive, but i'm not, am i? blah, doesn't matter.

BALLOONS!!! HELIUM BALLOONS!!! they flippin ROCK! though i know that it can be explained with science, that it's all about the density of air and shit, but i personally think that it's a magical thing, haha. having a squeaky voice never fails to amuse people, even yourself. that's why i call it magic.

there's someone that i miss dearly, and another one that i find it hard to get out of my head. pedro, where are you? come home, little monster.

skunk

2010-05-01T00:21:00.004+08:00

Have a heart people, friendship is a sacred thing, why try to ruin it? Couldn't believe that anyone would stoop to that level. Tak tahu malu.

Few things happened during these past 2 weeks. Mixed feelings: confused, frustrated, unhappy, happy, calm, optimistic, invincible. Weird, right? Even i feel that it's strange. But through these events i got to understand myself and others better. I've grown more matured and tolerable, but that doesn't neccessarily mean it's a good thing. I still want to be ignorant about the bad things in life, to have someone protect me instead of fending for myself. Sounds selfish but i can't help feeling like this. Wish i were a kid again.

Well i'm 19, the last of my teenage years. Got to grow up somehow. But...still staying young at heart. HAHA!!

R.I.P Pedro

UPDATE!!!! HE'S STILL ALIVE!!!

mocha=heavenly beverage

2010-04-07T15:21:00.000+08:00

it's nothing more than just hard work and peserverance on my part, and the constant support of my mom, sister (can say family la) and friends. YAY!! things are starting to brighten up. but my mom la, like trying to jinx me like that. sigh. mom, let's live for the moment and lighten up, huh?

just to clear things up a little. i know it's dumb of me to not study hard for my exams, it's not that i think i'm a smartass but right now i'm feeling oddly happy and contented. so why stress over something NOW when you'll have plenty more chances to do so next semester? plus i'm not exactly sure this is what i plan to do for the rest of my life. i'm still going to try my best but at the same time i wanna take things easy and live life. don't judge me people, i'm just being crazy!!!

i hate perfume.

2010-04-07T15:05:00.001+08:00

darn....life is peaceful....finally.

2010-03-31T15:43:00.002+08:00

pop one in
feel dreadful and sick
but nothing in life is easy
so hold it in and hear the clock tick

"take it everyday
or be doomed forever" she says
not one to argue with a psycho
okay i said and did it for days

two weeks have passed
i'm perking up a little
those round things rule
now who's up for some skittles?

podcast

2010-03-24T22:55:00.002+08:00

2010-03-22T20:37:00.002+08:00

TO THE BEACH!!! TO THE BEACH!!! I REALLY, REALLY WANT TO GO TO THE BEACH!!!!!

ramblings

2010-03-22T20:34:00.001+08:00

yay...i'm back. so much for enthusiasm.

is it better to feel numb? or to be emotional? this question scares me.

i found out about something that i wish i hadn't. my fault for being so kepoh.

i can manage a genuine smile! not bad for ms.grumpy

should i? or shouldn't i? i wish i can predict the future.

hold it in, hold it in. all will be well and things will return to normal.

maybe i'm just overreacting. i think too much. but what if i'm right? again, i wish i can see the future.

sleep is the best way to calm one's mind...even if it's just for a short period of time.

moms' should listen to their kids. it's the least they can do to communicate with them better

even if you think you've made the wrong decision, stick by it and make it work. stop only when you think it's not worth the effort.

2010-03-07T23:39:00.001+08:00

why do some people try so hard to change me? Am i doing things wrong? I think i'm doing pretty good. Maybe you people should try to change yourself first before you start messing around with other people's lives.

I want to fly a kite. I want to jump off a cliff and into the sea. I want to explore caves and marvel at the wonders of nature. I want do everything dangerous, to take the risk and to know what it feels like to live life. I don't want to live this mundane lifestyle. I'll slowly rot to death here. Happiness comes and goes. You just have to make sure it comes more than it goes. But it's all up to me to make that happen. God only helps those who help themselves. I just need the strength to pull myself out of bed and go out and live it right.

2010-01-12T20:15:00.001+08:00

i miss my bitches

2010-01-12T20:02:00.000+08:00

japanese cuisine...good...

it's weird, but i feel kind of happy today. i have no idea why. probably cuz i felt like i'm being a part of something. thanks to my friends. that was the motivation i needed to get me out of bed and go for practical class eventhough i was feeling unwell. thanks, you guys

uhmmm

2010-01-11T22:10:00.001+08:00

it's not that i want to be morbid, but i just can't help thinking those thoughts. i don't worry about when the day of my demise arrives, if it's near, i say come do what you came to do. but yet, i don't want to leave this world angry and sad, with full of hatred and regrets. i also don't want to die alone. so i want my last day on earth to be a happy one, with people that i love surrounding me, in flesh or in spirit.

i wasn't created by God to be useless. i deserve the right to be happy and right now i'm given the chance to set things right. i'm not going to let moronic people with their moronic comments get me down. i'll just say "FUCK YOU" and get on with my life. i used to dwell on the past, making myself much more miserable than before. but come to think of it, why should i be so dumb? it hasn't helped me, or anyone. so, yeah, i still see life as a dark, cold place. but somewhere at the end of this tunnel, a hint of light can be seen. and right now, it's getting brighter than before. if there's hope, everything will be alright.

munch on this

2010-01-11T18:50:00.001+08:00

you know when you flip the newspapers open and read a devastating news, it could be about a rape victim being murdered, or someone who was killed during a robbery, and you think to yourself, this only happens to other people? well, you're other people to other people too. so i guess that what i'm saying is anything can happen to anyone. don't take things for granted.

on another note, people can be mean. i don't like humans. if i could reincarnate into anything i choose to be, i want to be a particle in the sky. no life. nothing. no pain. no emotions. just...a particle =)

and, i did some thinking. i guess i could forget the sins people made. it just depends on how serious it was. the more serious the situation, the longer it takes for me to forget. forgiveness comes easily to me, so i wouldn't worry about that

alert! alert!

2010-01-05T20:32:00.001+08:00

you know, being alone is pretty nice. i can't understand why some people hate being alone.

they say, to live a happy life, you have to learn to forgive and forget. i can manage the forgiving part, but never will i be able to forget the sins of people, especially those who have wronged me. don't anyone dare say that it's a waste of precious time in life to hold grudges. if you do, you'll be in my bad books for a very long time, eventhough you're doing that out of good will. yes, i will try my very best to forgive him, but i can never stop disliking him. you want my respect? earn it. i don't give it out freely, even if you're family.

great news!! my bother's coming home! gosh, it's been 3 years since i last saw him. he came home for 2 weeks after being abroad for 2 years. yeah, he hasn't been home for 5 years plus. it's going to be weird to have him home for 7 months. we haven't spoken for 3 years, not even through the phone, though he does correspond with my parents once in a blue moon through e-mail. it's like having a distant relative staying with you. you know you're family, but somehow you feel like he's more of a stranger and there'll be awkwardness. for sure. still, i love my bro =) lemme hear you go "awwwww....."

2010, be good to me

2010-01-03T02:14:00.001+08:00

happiness comes and goes. you just have to make sure that it comes more than it goes.

new year's eve. went to 1u for the countdown. major disappointment. so i suggested to my parents that we watch it from my aunt's apartment nearby. so we arrived with minutes to spare. i chose the master bedroom, had the best view. it's pretty ironic. i was supposed to watch the fireworks display with my parents, yet i was in the room alone. played "Hallelujah" on my phone, and just as the song started, the first firework was shot up into the sky, lighting it up with such magnificent colours. for the next 6 minutes, i was listening to my favourite song, watching the marvelous fireworks display and reflected on every major event that happened in 2009, the worst year of my life. seriously. i'm so glad that it's over. a fresh start to a new year.

i'm being very optimistic about the year 2010. please don't disappoint me. going through 2009 was terrible enough. oh, bring me the joy i need to keep me motivated in life!! truffles!! i need truffles!!

man, danny elfman is a musical genius!

Pussy

2009-12-30T21:13:00.000+08:00

Pussy

1. Obvious to anyone over 1 year old
because they want to pet it

2. Obvious to anyone over 8 years old
because they want to make fun of them

3. Obvious to anyone over 12 years old because they want to make fun of it, but also stare at it, pet it, put stuff in it etc.

1. 5 year old: I want my own pussy cat

2. 10 year old: Stop being a pussy

3. 18 year old: Wear this shirt to the club, you`ll get finer pussy than you thought exists

haha.....read this in urbandictionary.com

ho ho...aww shucks

2009-12-26T02:21:00.001+08:00

i'm not weird. i'm just....eccentric.

oh well, christmas is over. had a marvelous home cooked christmas dinner: lamb chops, mashed potatoes, steamed veggies, salad and some wine. ahh~ though we eat the same food almost every christmas, it still feels extra special every year. it's kind of like a tradition for our family, even if we're not christians (except for my bro, who's a mormon). i just love the jolly feeling christmas decorations give me. and every year, after dinner, i would be sitting right in front of the idiot box, watching the nightmare before christmas. sadly, it didn't happen this year. misplaced it somewhere. awfully sad.

so, christmas is gone, here comes the new year! oh please, oh please, let the new year be a good one for me! no more disappointments!! christmas started off badly enough, i don't want the new year to follow suit. got into a vehicle accident on christmas eve, and broke a drinking glass that my mom bought from england on christmas day. wouldn't it be PERFECT if something bad happened tomorrow, on boxing day. 3 days straight. (note the sarcasm)

2009-12-21T19:10:00.001+08:00

eessshhh!!! so what if i'm short? it doesn't mean i'm weak

dazed world

2009-12-21T19:03:00.000+08:00

i'm a free man living in the world

i'll be here in sunshine and in shadow

gorsh, the people of this world confuses me. you never know what goes through their mind and what they might do next. and i am exasperated by how some people treat transgenders, homosexuals and bisexuals.

so ok, they're different because they're interested in the same sex, or that they used to be a guy and now they're a girl, or vice versa. but they're still human. they have feelings and a mind, just like us. that doesn't make them THAT different from us or give us the right to call them freaks. some people might say that it's a sin in their religion and God wouldn't approve. but have you ever thought that maybe, just maybe God made them this way? that maybe God made them slightly different from us so that we can learn to accept change and irregularity? or maybe just to teach us about respect. He may be watching us from above. we thrust all our faith into God's hands when it comes to the death of a loved one, or say that it's God's will that many people died in natural disasters. but why not say that God made some people different from us because He wished to do so? don't blame it on the individuals for being different from us. they didn't want this to happen either. it's hard to imagine the pain they had to suffer to cover this up from their family and society so as not to embarrass their family. all they ever wanted was to be accepted as an equal. i really feel bad for them as i can't do anything to help them. all i can do is to support them. no wonder my sister is always talking about changing the world and stuff. i hope the world would change for the better and make it a better place for everyone to live happily. and anyway, i think that religion is all man made. yes, i believe there is a God. but i feel that the rules and regulations in every religion is all man made. who are they to tell us how to live our lives? what makes them so sure that God doesn't approve of some of the things we do? i feel that as long as what we love to do doesn't destroy our health and soul, God is not miffed about it at all.

silly

2009-12-19T01:13:00.000+08:00

oh, my twitchy-witchy girl
i think you are so nice
i give you bowls of porridge
and i give you bowls of ice-cream

i give you lots of kisses
and i give you lots of hugs
but i never give you sandwiches
with grease and worms and mung beans

oh, how i love coraline. my favourite stop-motion animation AFTER nightmare before christmas. it's hard to believe it's meant to be a children's movie, what with its horror elements. even freaked me out in a couple of scenes. evil other mother.

just one week into the new semester, and i'm already feeling exhausted, with body aches all over. heh, got my mom to give me massages every now and then. practical is fun and all, but the hours are just too long. and i won't be getting any day off, which sucks tremendously. sigh, time goes by ever so slowly when you're feeling down and pining for your bed.

got my eye on a guitar i saw the other day. wish i had more cash.

bless me

2009-12-14T00:47:00.000+08:00

oh gawd....oh gawd. thank goodness for the delete post function. if it weren't for it, i'd be so ashamed, it's gonna leave a scar forever!!

dark, bitter chocolate

2009-12-13T02:10:00.000+08:00

hi. it's me again. this week of bliss is finally coming to an end. sigh. i would trade my andox for another week of holidays.

well, back from bali, and i have a really serious sunburn. my arms are all red and it's hurts when you touch it, so i'm praying really hard for it to not peel. this is the first time i'm suffering for my tan. usually it just goes away in a day or two. now i look really, really dark. like dark chocolate, no longer mocha. you know that you're really burnt when people start commenting on how 'black' you look in the face, and it's not because you're in a foul mood. heck, it's soooo frustrating!!!!

but bali was great. had alot of laughs with the bitches, and opened up to each other during a game of, and i quote aiyan, "truth or truth". i now know each of their sleeping behavior and how long they take to shower. took some really funny and memorable photos and videos, and invented a beach dance with winnie. but all i did manage to get were clothes. there is one shirt that i really love, and it's a spongebob shirt that says "i love nerds". NAPOLEON!! haha...also got to see alot of ang mohs. eye candy.

scenery is amazing. it's sooo beautiful there. you really feel at ease, looking at the mountains, marveling at the wonderful architecture of the buildings there. one thing i got to mention was that people there are really religious. the first day, while exploring bali, we were trying so hard to not step on the offerings the locals put out on their doorstop. every single time i stepped on one, i apologized immediately. call me superstitious, but it's better than being cursed and having years of bad luck. but by the second day, we were walking down the road without having to glance down every now and then. we were getting so good at avoiding them, we just stepped out of its way without thinking twice, like how you pull your finger away when you touched something hot. we're pros now.

and people there are friendly, sometimes too friendly. oh, and another interesting thing to add. while we were at a club, dancing away, i saw this fat guy( i normally don't call people that but this guy really deserves being dissed), and he was masturbating. believe me, i saw him doing it with my own eyes. and there were these two chinamen there, and i'd rather not talk about them. it's nothing disgusting but, i just found them weird.

mood swings

2009-12-06T02:56:00.000+08:00

what goes up and down and can never be stable?
my mood

i noticed that my mood changes dramatically very often. one minute i'll all chirpy and talkative, the next i'll be secretly wishing that everyone would just shut up. and when i say one minute, i mean, literally, one minute.

and when my mood changes, my decisions changes equally fast. like today, i was in a good mood so i agreed to go for the wedding dinner. then, for some reason, i was really irritated and i decided not to go.(well, i guess it was because my mom was being really annoying when i was driving her to the nursing home to see my grandma. she kept making these stupid noises whenever she sees a car trying to cut into my lane. it's like i'm driving for the first time.)

but, going after all since my cousin asked and i told him i'd go.

oysters..have shit

2009-12-06T02:42:00.001+08:00

my mind is working in a very peculiar way this week. i'm becoming really paranoid. but who isn't?

HOLIDAYS. sigh. i don't know if i should be happy, or not. i mean, just one flipping week? are we robots or something? we need more rest, people! looking forward to the bali trip but i know that i'll be exhausted on the first day of the new semester. and i'm having a practical class on that day too! full snap!!!! =( i'm soo dead.

i was told of something disgusting the other day. my cat, pedro, went over to my neighbour's house, who owns 2 dogs, and sniffed their poo. how dumb can a teenage cat get? and how can he even stand going near the turd? his sensory receptors must be damaged. or maybe his brain has gone haywire. poor cat. POOR ME, for i'm the one who has to take care of him. but he's still my manly warrior. he does some really cute things once in a while that really makes you go 'awww'. =)

and i'm damn sick of someone right now. doesn't know when someone's not in the mood to talk. shut up already! i'm trying really hard not to say some really harsh things, but my patience has its limit, you ducking dingbat. go play in a sewage pond or something.

wargle

2009-12-05T00:58:00.005+08:00

how is it possible for someone to change from being hyperactive to being totally "lifeless" in less than a month? it just scares me, seeing that. i wonder what's going on in his/her mind. possibly going through a phase. or maybe something more serious. sigh, i don't know. i wish i could read people's emotions more clearly.

i don't know why i feel so tired everyday. it's a struggle for me to wake up, get dressed and go to college. going out is even worse, but i try to make an effort to socialize more, and stop living the life of a loner. i used to be worse when i was in high school. i almost never participated in any of the social gatherings or events. even when i was invited to parties, i'd just make an excuse not to go. sad, i know. well, thank goodness for friends. if i didn't have friends, i'd be living like a hermit crab, cooped up in my gloomy little room. not that i mind doing that, but it worries my mom. OH, MOM, YOU'RE SUCH A WORRY WART.

and too bad i didn't get to watch ninja assassins today, i like movies filled with gruesome killings, like freddy vs. jason, but the timing just wasn't right. but it's great of wailee to come hang out with us considering she just returned from australia at 12 in the morning. if i were her, i'd still be asleep. i love the eyeballs she brought back. MMMmmmm.....!!!! ashley, if you're reading this, nice heels!!!

urgh, another family gathering tomorrow to celebrate my uncle's birthday and a wedding dinner to go to on sunday night. man, i hate these things. i just can't seem to communicate with my cousins. i'd be talking bout this, and they'll be talking bout that. because of this, i don't talk much, or sometimes, i don't talk at all. wonder if i can weasel my way out from attending the wedding dinner since i don't know anyone from THAT side of my mothers' family. guess i'll just entertain myself with my stack of shin chan comics...yay...

p.s.: oh my GAWD! my aunt, THE aunt from london, just added me in facebook! i thought of rejecting her friend request, but nah, it seems rude to do so. left her a little msg on her wall, and now i regret it. hope she doesn't reply or i'll have to make conversation with her!! gasp!! the horror.

Bright Light of Hope

2009-12-02T21:17:00.004+08:00

Bright Light of Hope

As one faces the obstacles of life,
Much is drowned out from ones mind;
As though all is lost from us,
Wish it begone, this cloud of darkness;

The ground below opens up like a grave,
A headstone is there, but no name engraved;
Contemplating; should I reach out?
Will He save me, as I remain devout?

Alas, all is over, all is gone,
From all my loved ones, I have withdrawn;
A wish that they would hear my plight,
But all I ever wonder; Lord, did I live it right?

A mystical bright light appeared before me,
Is this real, or just my fantasy?
Guiding me away from the Valley of Desolation,
A glitter of Brand New Hope has slowly arisen;

No one is alone, or ever abandoned,
From the loving arms of the Lord in Heaven;
Though there are times when one feels dejected,
Know that those who seek Succor and Love will be granted;
And Faith, is all we need, to keep holding on,
Let It keep you strong and hopeful from thereon.

be stil, my heart

2009-11-30T20:44:00.000+08:00

i immensely dislike fickle minded people. and cockiness, i hate.

i hope, hope, HOPE that my wish will finally come true, someday. but for how long shall i have to wait? hopefully not until the day that i die.

"you know the happiest day of my life
i swear the happiest day of my life is the day that i die
can you feel the cold tonight?
it sets in but it's alright
darkness falls, i'm letting go
all alone but i feel just fine

did i live it right?
i hope i lived it right
i know i lived it right"

not being morbid. so let's get on to the happy stuff. days to bali trip: 6 days!! YES!! plus, i get to stuff myself like mad on sunday night, as i'm attending a wedding dinner =) =) =). i don't even know the bride, who's actually my mom's grand niece, but heck, i'm just attending for the food. plus, i love the way they serve dinner at those chinese restaurants, with the music playing on full blasts, and the lights out, and out of nowhere you see the waiters and waitresses bringing out the dishes with a lit candle placed in the middle of the plates. i know it's a gimmick, and it's totally over the top, but it's just fun to watch. and i also love collecting those decorative flowers. i know it's not edible, but i just think they look pretty. plus, it'll be a great toy for Pedro. yes, i sometimes nick things off my dinner plate, if it's worth the trouble. ooh, i hope that i get to have a glass of wine. after all, i'm legal now. yay!

and for some reason, i'm feeling panicky. is this a sign of impending doom? will there be trouble for me ahead? i just hope that everything will go smoothly for the next 2 weeks. please, PLEASE, to the Lord above, let everything just sail smoothly for me, and all waves be gone.

there will be faith

2009-11-29T02:22:00.000+08:00

urgh....fine time to get sick. just when i'm gonna sit for my exams. i hate it when things like this happen. when i wish to be sick, i'm as healthy as a horse. when i want to be up and chirpy, i get annoying boogies hanging from my nose. and for some reason, i'm panicking right now. i KNOW i won't be able to sleep tomorrow. this sucks.

fly birdie, fly!
fly high into the sky
and bring me back a cloud that is nearest to heaven

RIP OFF!!!

2009-11-28T14:36:00.003+08:00

gosh, everyone around me seems to be really down this week. and how does that affect me? by not being able to help them out. i hate seeing people around me being upset or mad and i can't do anything to comfort them. i'm not a good talker. and it doesn't help that i'm in a foul mood either. I NEED SOMETHING TO GIVE ME A BOOST!!! or, at least, some motivation in life. sigh. right now, i wish that there's a hole in the ground for me to lie into.

and the bloody saga seems to be a huge disappointment. i feel cheated, though i'm not the one forking out the forty two thousand. but, seriously, if you expect someone to pay a large sum of money for something, it better be nice and worth the money they're paying!! advertisers are huge liars. thank goodness i stopped communications.

exams next week. thinking about it makes me soooo tired. the bali trip is the only thing pulling me through these dreadful weeks. i just want to sleep!!!!

harpeee!!!

2009-11-24T20:18:00.003+08:00

YES!!! YES!!! HALLELUJAH!!! the new car's ready and we're gonna be picking it up tomorrow!!!

finally, i wouldn't need to suffer anymore. honestly, the old car, a 13 year old kancil, is like a jail cell. it's so hot, you'll be sweating like mad, even with the air con on, if you could still consider it as an air con. it produces more heat than cool air. sometimes, the temperature inside the car is way higher than the temperature outside, i kept having the urge to just get out and walk.

than You, God, for answering my prayers. thank You for helping my mom realize that we NEED a new vehicle.

i need chocolates

2009-11-24T19:26:00.004+08:00

it's so strange. i was in an uber foul mood this past week. i didn't really talk much, got irritated real easily, and just kept to myself all the time. then, on sunday, while we were on our way to dinner after visiting my grandma at the hospital, i heard the song "Angel" by Sarah McLachlan playing on the radio. it caught my attention immediately. it was the same song that was played in the video made as a tribute to Baxter, the therapy dog, and it made me cry uncontrollably. i was struggling to smother my sniffles and sobs when i was watching the video on youtube for it was already midnight and i was in the upstairs living room. i didn't want to wake my parents with my loud sobs.

so, when i heard the same song, i started thinking of Baxter, and slowly, my thoughts went to Puss, one of my two cats, and how he lost his "fangs" due to his old age. in human years, i think he's around 10 to 11 years old, which makes him 60 in cat years. REALLY OLD. he's more ancient than my dad. since i was young, whenever i think or dreamt of him dying, i'd start crying. i couldn't bear to think of him leaving me. gosh, my tears are starting to well up in my eyes now. so, right now, i'm appreciating every single day i have with him. even Pedro loves and worships him dearly. every morning when he sees Puss washing his face on the lamp post after his breakfast, he's run out of the house, sit on the ground, and just stare at him like he's God. i'd hate to think how Pedro would react the day he finds that his buddy wouldn't be around to play with him anymore.

well, back to the story. so, when i got back home, i turned on my laptop and downloaded the song straight away. cried the whole night. my eyes were so swollen, i could hardly see my pupils. i spent the next whole afternoon googling for images of angels. saved plenty, and even made one as my wallpaper. seriously, since i saw that wonderful formation of clouds in the morning sky some months back, i've been so fascinated with angels. and after looking through all those beautiful images, my mood was lifted immediately. i felt calm and was grateful for the life i have now. but, not that i'm being overly negative, i know that this feeling won't last long. but having an angel constantly with me, (the one on my arm), i'm confident that it'll return when i need it to.

2009-11-23T18:42:00.003+08:00

call me insane or whatever, but i cry when i think of my pets dying. they mean alot to me.

Rainbow Bridge

2009-11-23T18:42:00.001+08:00

Rainbow Bridge

Just this side of heaven is a place called Rainbow Bridge.

When an animal dies that has been especially close to someone here, that pet goes to Rainbow Bridge.
There are meadows and hills for all of our special friends so they can run and play together.
There is plenty of food, water and sunshine, and our friends are warm and comfortable.

All the animals who had been ill and old are restored to health and vigor; those who were hurt or maimed are made whole and strong again, just as we remember them in our dreams of days and times gone by.
The animals are happy and content, except for one small thing; they each miss someone very special to them, who had to be left behind.

They all run and play together, but the day comes when one suddenly stops and looks into the distance. His bright eyes are intent; His eager body quivers. Suddenly he begins to run from the group, flying over the green grass, his legs carrying him faster and faster.

You have been spotted, and when you and your special friend finally meet, you cling together in joyous reunion, never to be parted again. The happy kisses rain upon your face; your hands again caress the beloved head, and you look once more into the trusting eyes of your pet, so long gone from your life but never absent from your heart.

Then you cross Rainbow Bridge together....

Author unknown...

Sarah McLachlan - In The Arms Of An Angel

2009-11-23T17:17:00.000+08:00

Spend all your time waiting for that second chance
For the break that will make it okay
There's always some reason to feel "not good enough"
And it's hard at the end of the day
I need some distraction, oh beautiful release
Memories seep from my veins
They may be empty and weightless, and maybe
I'll find some peace tonight

In the arms of the Angels, fly away from here
From this dark, cold hotel room, and the endlessness that you fear
You are pulled from the wreckage of your silent reverie
You're in the arms of an Angel; may you find some comfort here

So tired of the straight line, and everywhere you turn
There's vultures and thieves at your back
The storm keeps on twisting, you keep on building the lies
That you make up for all that you lack
It don't make no difference, escaping one last time
It's easier to believe
In this sweet madness, oh this glorious sadness
That brings me to my knees

In the arms of the Angels, far away from here
From this dark, cold hotel room, and the endlessness that you fear
You are pulled from the wreckage of your silent reverie
In the arms of an Angel; may you find some comfort here

beep...i'm button

2009-11-19T19:49:00.002+08:00

i've always had an obsession with all things new age, psychics, sixth sense, angels, vampires, werewolves, ghosts, zombies...blah blah. but, i'm REALLY not happy with the twilight series. i feel like their giving real vampires a bad name, it's degrading to them! vampires are supposed to be scary and dark, not glittery and romantic! no offense to twilight fans but i just prefer the traditional version of vampires more.

somtimes i try so hard to be optimistic, things tend to go the other way and i feel miserable. i like to be hopeful but things never seem to go my way. it's kind of like a test, to see how much faith i still have in life. guess that i have more faith than before, as i'm still holding on, not giving up =) proud of myself for having the strength to face each new day, overcoming all obstacles. the day started out bad but buying a new bag pack totally cheered me up. it's uber cute and nice! though i had to pay for it on my own, it's worth every cent XD

little black monster from an anime

the practical exam didn't go quite so well. i swear i could have broke someone's neck. i was anxious because time was running out and we still had plenty to do, i was tired from running here and there, and to top it all off, someone was annoying the heck out of me. ~~guess that if someone was born with a particular character, it takes a miracle for them to change. "you can't polish a turd".~~ but the end result was pretty satisfying, although the cake was not frozen long enough, hadn't fully set yet, but it was fun to work together with friends. it was an exam but poeple were still helping each other out. this is what teamwork is, baby!

and i would like to wish cheah bitch a happy b'day. couldn't wish her earlier cuz i woke up late (yeah, typical of me) and couldn't celebrate with her also, for she's in australia. but i'll be seeing her soon and we're going to have a blast! i'm sure of it!

ouchie wa wa

2009-11-17T03:20:00.000+08:00

things that i'm looking forward to:

the new car
the bali trip with me besties
seeing my bro after who knows how many years
christmas!!!!
the new year (hopefully things would change for the better)
strangely enough, the next phone call from my sis
next visit from my aunt from england so that i can stand up to her with my new found strength and faith
not that i'm being optimistic, but i'm looking forward to tomorrow because it's a new day and i'm waiting to see if anything worthwhile will happen

yes, i'm overly spiritual. but that's not a crime, right??? and what happened to that spell check function in blogger? i need it!

imma firing ma lasers

2009-11-17T00:56:00.001+08:00

you know, sometimes i wonder to myself, why do i even bother? why am i the one who's constantly worrying bout things when it's supposed to be a group effort? and i'm supposed to be the blardy junior. HUH.

so i passed my practical exam. whoopeee. now i just can't wait for it to be over and to be able to part-ay with my bitches in bali!! first trip together and we're spending it somewhere, outside of malaysia.
A-W-E-S-O-M-E!!! i just hope that there wouldn't be any tsunamis or (heh-heh) bombings happening there. i mean, i don't mind dying, but i'm there on holiday! it's not supposed to happen and ruin my week of bliss. 2 things i can't wait to do to while i'm in bali: go on a makan spree and.....TO THE BEACH!! provided that it's not windy or raining. if it is, i'll have to stay away from the beach, as far away as possible, just like what my momma told me to do.

i hate it when people assume that they understand me when they really don't. or when they think that i live a worry-free life when the problems that i'm facing now are ten times more worse that theirs, it's just that i don't talk openly about it. i like keeping things to myself and i rarely let anyone in, except for those who are really close to me. even then, there are some things that i don't tell anyone, ANYONE. not even my mom. i mean, who would if you have a mom constantly probing, asking you if there was anything wrong at college or with friends when there really wasn't anything. well, maybe there's something wrong with you, mom. but i'm really private, and i mean, really. no one knows how i really think and feel because i don't show or talk about it. it's like my face shows no emotion, blank. poker face, that's what my mom calls it.

but don't take this the wrong way, it's not that i don't trust my mom or my best friends, it's just that i don't see the need of letting people know about it. well, actually, i don't fully trust anyone. i don't trust my mom that much either. but there are reasons behind that, but i'm not telling =). i don't like mentioning it and i doubt that people would like listening to them. they have enough problems on their hands without having to empathize with mine. i'm very considerate, you see. *puke*

my mind is playing tricks on me again. can't my emotions be stable? i hate having these sudden depressive moods. can't i BE happy?

how crazy am i?

2009-11-12T02:43:00.000+08:00

Personality Disorder Test Results

Paranoid	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	54%
Schizoid	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	82%
Schizotypal	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	90%
Antisocial	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	50%
Borderline	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	70%
Histrionic	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	34%
Narcissistic	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	34%
Avoidant	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	66%
Dependent	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	34%
Obsessive-Compulsive	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	42%

Take Free Personality Disorder Test
personality tests by similarminds.com

2009-11-11T21:21:00.000+08:00

i love my blog more than i love my website. my website is...totally hopeless. degrading mua

pink smocks

2009-11-10T19:23:00.000+08:00

oh wait. i did gain something from the argument. DOB's old laptop, the one i tried to destroy, TWICE. note, i said tried, not as an accident. well, he was really pissing me off, and i needed to destroy something to release my anger. and his laptop, his precious, was the nearest thing to me. it wasn't entirely my fault, he called me the devil's child first. i mean, what kind of parent would call their child as the devil's child? it's just wrong! no matter how angry i got, the worst i could go for was bastard. and not only did he call me the devil's child, he slapped me! like he was exorcising the demons out of me. but heck, i don't care. because at the end of the day, he was the one feeling guilty for what he's done. HAHA!!!

and i'm getting a new car!!! it's nothing expensive, just a proton saga. in fact, it's extremely cheap compared to the higher end cars. but it's just 1.3 after all, perfectly reasonable. but it's NEW!! and since my mom doesn't drive much, in fact, she hasn't driven for months, that means i have total ownership of the car. muahahaha!!!! thank you, mommy, for being so thoughtful and reasonable...once in a while =)

ibu ganas

2009-11-10T18:56:00.000+08:00

my mom, and i quote her, is going to fuck me. no, seriously, she said that. we were having an argument on how, as a growing adult, i'm gonna need my privacy. therefore, a new laptop is highly appreciated. understandably, she went berserk.

psychotic mom: "WHAT??? YOU WANT A LAPTOP? YOU HAVE A PERFECTLY GOOD DESKTOP SITTING RIGHT HERE AND YET, YOU STILL WANT ME TO PAY FOR A LAPTOP WITH CASH FROM MY NEARLY EMPTY BANK ACCOUNT? AND YOU WANT A MACBOOK!! A DELL WOULD SUIT YOU JUST FINE. I'M ALREADY PAYING FOR YOUR MIXER AND FOR THE NEW CAR. DO YOU WANT ME TO GO BROKE?"

me: (equally angry but still capable of being calm and reasonable)"how do you expect me to do my stuff on the desktop when i have to wait for the DOB to finish with his work everyday?? the only time it's available is from midnight onwards, i need my sleep, woman!! and there's no privacy! i can't even watch videos or listen to any music without having you people screaming at me to turn it down cuz you want to watch your stupid tv shows. can you stop shouting at me and handle this diplomatically? crazy woman..."

psychotic mom gone wilder: "WHO ARE YOU TO CALL ME CRAZY WOMAN? I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU....YES, I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU"

me: (trying hard not to smirk) "you think you're so hardcore, saying that? who's the one being unreasonable here? i'm just asking you to increase my allowance so that i can save up for a mac."

result? nothing. the argument is being postponed to another day. we can't be shouting at 12 in the morning. not going to give our neighbours more excuses to hate us. i can't imagine why though, we're so nice....

2009-11-06T21:30:00.000+08:00

i is moth, moth is me. nothing different

i love pisang goreng

2009-11-06T20:30:00.001+08:00

yesterday was a really bad day. not only did i realise i lost my ATM card, i remembered that i forgot my online banking username and password...oh, that sounds like an oxymoron!!! naturally, mom went ballistic, though it was a lot more tame than how she used to react. guess she's used to my carelessness. BUT, pedro, my cat, HAD to make things worse by jumping onto the piano(which he's forbidden to go near to but he doesn't listen) and broke a crystal vase that my aunt gave us as a gift. A CRYSTAL VASE. HELL NO!!! but he did, and my mom didn't get very mad about it cuz this is not the first time he's destroyed something in my house. in fact, this is the 5th time, i think. yes, he's a destroyer, like me. i think that's why we bond so well, we're so much alike.

and now, right this moment, my mom and HIM (my dad, but i don't really think of him as my dad, i'll just refer to him as Daft Ol' Bat, or DOB from now on) are just screaming away at each other, telling one another to go to hell and everything nasty. it's a common sight, i'm not scared or surprised. sometimes i think it's better for them to just have a divorce. at least, better for my mom. i hate seeing that DOB calling my mom names like that. he even hit her once, a year ago. but if i interfere, calling him to shut his bloody mouth and all, standing up for my mom, I'M the one who gets the scolding!! from my mom!! and i'll go, i'm sticking up for you, bitch( yes, i call her bitch when i'm really mad, and she understands)!! why do you let him push you around? are you a weakling? can't you defend yourself??? guess she took my "advice", she's starting to stand up for herself now, and i'm proud =)

and people never understood why i keep saying that my home is not the least bit warm and fuzzy. it's a NIGHTMARE!!!

psyched

2009-11-05T18:21:00.000+08:00

I'M GONNA HAVE MY OWN WEBSITE!!!!!!!!! UBER COOL, RIGHT??? finally, i'm gonna have something that's totally mine. i can design it in any way i want, or write anything i feel like saying to the world. i'm super excited and i can't wait to start trashing it with my thoughts and stuff!! WOOHOOO!!!

i'm a happy bunny...tra-la-la-la-la

2009-11-05T15:15:00.000+08:00

I'M RECKLESS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i need some miracle sweets.......

upset

2009-11-04T22:13:00.000+08:00

OH-MY-GAWD!!! i'm flipping mad at myself! still haven't learned my lesson after last years' incident where i lost my IC. mom's right, why can't i just grow up and be more responsible for myself? LOST MY ATM CARD!!! how am i gonna survive without money?????

guess this is just who i am: careless, immature, overly sensitive, way too emotional(drives my family crazy sometimes), and just plain STUPID AND ANNOYING!! i know!!! i know that i'm so irritating, people sometimes wish i'm a bug so that they can squash me, or i'd just buzz away. i remember saying this to my sister when she got mad because i've been annoying her non-stop when she was busy doing something, i said: i really like to irritate you, it's FUNNNNN!!!!!!! i'd hate to have a younger sister like me

2009-11-03T00:28:00.000+08:00

GOSH, AFTER READING THROUGH MY LAST POST I JUST REALISED HOW SILLY I SOUNDED. AS MUCH AS I WOULD LIKE FOR IT TO HAPPEN, I STILL FEEL LIKE I SOUNDED LIKE AN OVERLY OBSESSED BE LIEVER OFR THE SUPERNATURAL STUFF. TOO ENTHUSIASTIC

boo!!

2009-10-29T22:23:00.001+08:00

life in mib is good, not hectic, yet not too laid back to make me feel bored. Though there are times that i just can't help but skip some classes because i'm in need of some motivation. Thankfully i've a reason for skipping this weeks' practical. Fine time to be sick, literally, with no sarcasm intended.

On another note, i think my wish of becoming a psychic may actually become true. I've always knew that i could trust my intuition because it has never failed to help me with my problems. And there were times when things i dreamnt came true in real life. And there were many times that things the little voice in my head told me would happen DID happen. And my playing the tarot cards and pendulum helped somewhat too. I'm beginning to see things and hear things.

Suprisingly, i'm not scared. I mean i love horror movies but i get scared after watching them. But this, i'm totally calm about it, which in turn scares my mom. I've always wanted to have psychic powers and my mom thinks i'm mental. Gosh, you should've seen her reaction when i told her i was fooling around with a pendulum. My cat ran for cover, whimpering, when he heard my mom's devilish scream. But she's more accepting towards stuff like this now that she's read the book i bought on psychics. She's the one who bought me my tarot cards for my birthday. I still remember how freaked out she was when strange things were happening in my house after i started playing with the pendulum. Now, she just warns me to be more careful and not to attract the bad ones, but the good ones are totally fine with her. It'd be cool if i do have powers so that i can help the living communicate with their deceased loved ones and vice versa. Only then will i feel like i'm living a meaningful life and die with no regrets

ma homies

2009-10-29T13:13:00.000+08:00

the B's are:

Winnie Lim Wei Jinn a.k.a pooh

Cheah Wai Lee a.k.a Lady Cheah or Aunty

Lee Ai Yan a.k.a Doinkie

Lim Su Chen a.k.a Moth

WE RULE THE WORLD

you wanna play me?

2009-10-29T12:15:00.000+08:00

kudos to me for being able to live such a mundane lifestyle, most people can't take the boredom that comes with it.

What's the most exciting event of my everyday life? I get to dig up feline turd. How awesome is that?? It's sort of like digging up treasure, but instead of me keeping it, it's thrown away, but not forgetting the awful stench that comes with it. If you want to be happy, you gotta sacrifice something.

And it's no fun playing the guitar for an audience (meaning friends and family, usually just one person) when no one knows the songs you're playing. I'd be happily strumming or picking away, glad to be showing of my solos and all, when no one could appreciate the awesomeness i've displayed for them cuz they don't know the flipping song!! That's 5 whole minutes wasted! And the sad part is, they'd be requesting songs that I'm not familiar with. That's when i totally felt isolated from the world. Radioes just don't exist in my world. I'm just forced to listen to lite.fm cuz that's what my dad listens to when we're the car. But now that he's bought a new car WITH a cd player installed, bye bye sad little music station, hello to MY collection of cds which i consider as real music. No offence to radio fans, it's just my opinion. Can't i express my thoughts without having to go through an argument? Just once?

Well, enough of this self pity. I guess my life isn't so bad after all. I've two cats to accompany me at home and three amazing friends to bring out the crazy side of me when they're around. There's nothing much to say about my family, sis and bro not around, mom and dad always arguing. My life is like a simple plan song. But, thanks to my friends, i'm able to get the fun out of life. Reasons why they're still my best friends after 5 years:
1. Though they're always calling me weird, it's not like eeww, you're weird. They say it as a statement, but they accept it. Or they'll joke about it and stuff, and i'm ok with it cuz THEY'RE ok with who i am. But their definition of weird is so broad. Just because i prefer the other vampire than edward i'm considered as a weird person with a weird taste in guys.

2. Fuiyoh, the times we've had, totally the best times in my life. I remember once we ordered mcd while we're still in school and we had to hide and chase after the delivery guy cuz that day the place was swarmed with prefects and disciplinary teachers. And then we skipped class and was forced to have our feast in the storeroom in the toilet. At one point, i thought i heard the sound of heels right outside the door and we all panicked. Trust aiyan to still be able to take a photo at such a dangerous moment. So we were shh-ing one another to shut up and after a few minutes, someone finally mustered the courage and opened the door...no one was outside also! And i got berated for causing them to shit their pants =D

3. I feel really comfortable with them, so comfortable that i'm sometimes able to let slip some of my secrets in life. Everyone knows i don't like talking about my problems and am very secretive. Heck, i don't talk to my mom about it too. So it's a huge thing for me to actually tell someone about my secrets. Before this, i'd feel embarassed about my little condition i had early this year. After i've told the B's about it, i'm so open about it, it's like a normal thing for me to talk about now, no longer a secret. I WAS TREATED FOR DEPRESSION, WHAT HAVE YOU GOT TO SAY ABOUT THAT?! But i must add, malaysian psychiatrists are useless. They're just in it for the money. I mean, charging a patient an average of 300+ for a half hour session while all they do is ask them stupid questions like do you have any siblings? What are your interests? Crappy stuff but nothing about why they're feeling sad. I went for 3 sessions, total of 1000+, with pills, and still he has no idea what's wrong with me. The only thing he managed to pinpoint was that i'm a goth. Dang, what's that got to do with my problems? Are you saying that i'm depressed because i'm goth? I'm so dark and morbid that being depressed is part of a goth's lifestyle? No wonder shrinks have bad reputations. All they do is diagnose that you have depression and then try to guess what you are, a goth? A psychotic maniac? A nerd?

4. They're always there for me. And i would like them to know that i'm always there for them too

JB R.I.P

2009-10-22T20:04:00.000+08:00

jie jie

2009-10-22T19:06:00.000+08:00

OMIGOSH!!! my mom actually told my brother about me having a tattoo!! and he said he's totally fine with it!! SWEET, SWEET LIFE!!! i admit i was a tad worried about how he'd react since he's really into his religion and stuff, but he's still really open minded and i'm glad about that. the last thing i need is to have a brother constantly trying to convert me into becoming a mormon or preaching at the dinner table. but he's GREAT!!!

ok, since i've dedicated a whole post to my bro, i'm gonna do one now for my sis. my sis is just 2 years older than me, but when we were younger, we were inseparable. everywhere my sister, i'll be sure to go. i'd even copy everything she does or eats. i learned to love mcd's cheeseburger because that's what she ordered everytime we eat there and i'll always, ALWAYS order the same thing. when we were young, us kids were really poor cuz we didn't have any pocket money then. so on special occasions, we'd make handmade cards for our parents. bro would make all these really creative cards with very meaningful, and sometimes hilarious messages written inside. me? i'd just copy whatever my sister did, every single detail. so when my parents each received their cards, there'd be duplicates in the stack and it's no mystery who was the copy cat. so, a few years later, my sister started copyrighting her designs and i was forced to design my own. though they were really cheesy ( i was still a little kid after all, give me a break), my mom said they were the best that i've ever done. aww...that's so nice of my mom, though she was supposed to say that to cheer me up, not make me miserable by stating how ugly it looked, which in reality, they were.

also, when my brother was busy reading, or listening to classical music while swaying his hands around like a conductor, or just hanging with his friends (he's 7 years older), my sister and i would have our own games to occupy ourselves. OUR games are nothing like the games we played with my brother, which were violent and usually ends with either one of us girls crying. when my brother was around, we'd be playing superman where we'd be jumping off the double decker beds with a blanket tied around our necks like a cape, or armour man, where my brother would wrap himself in a thin mattress and squash us with his huge body, or we'd wrestle. but when he's not around, our games are simple, pleasant and fun. we'd play teacher-teacher (no prize for guessing who the teacher is), or balloonminton( hitting a balloon around like badminton) or messing around with my mothers' makeup (we got in a lot of trouble for that but we never stopped).

i'm really gullible and would fall for anything. i really believed it when my kindergarten friend told me she lived in a jungle, or when my primary one friend said that you can make milk with pencil sharpenings, or the time when one of my friends said she took part in a competition where the person who could stare at the sun the longest wins. everyone flipping knows it's not possible to even look at the sun cuz it would damage your eyes, but not me!!! so, my sister totally knew how stupid i was. she'd hide herself really well and would not come out for at least 20 minutes. i'd be shouting for her but she wouldn't appear. when she did, she'd tell me she was a witch and she went through a portal to another universe and attended a witches meeting. she'd do this twice a week just for fun. come to think of it, who's the stupid one here? imagine going through all that, just to fool an ignorant little kid. but it doesn't stop there. my mom bought some new sofas and when the plastic wrappers were removed, there were still some left on the bottom of the sofa. when you peek underneath it, you could see shadows that look like little people. that's what my sister told me what is was, little people. and she'll say that they would come out at night and have parties and sometimes, my sister would join them. i actually believed her and even begged her to take me with her the next time she went. OH MY GAWD!!!!!

kor kor

2009-10-21T19:25:00.000+08:00

man, i wish i could go back in time. My childhood was amazing! I was still young enough to be weird without having people making fun of me, and if they did, my brother or sister would be there to protect me. Now i'm all grown up, sister doesn't really bother about her bratty younger sisters' life anymore and brother's missing in action since he left for hawaii. I've been bullied and been made fun of but i'm proud of the fact that i've learned to defend myself. FYI, i won't hesitate to throw a punch if violence is required, but mostly i'll just tell the person i forgive them for being so mean even if they don't realise or acknowledge their mistake.

I still remember when we were young, my brother, the creative and artistic one among us kids, would think of ways to entertain us younger sisters. He'll have the air-con on full blast around the house, place stuffed toys in different corners of the house and drag us around on a piece of blanket, like we were hiking through the forest in a snow blizzard. Or he'll make a tent out of the blankets and we'll pretend to be camping. He makes the most amazing tents. Once when our cousins came over for a sleepover, i suggested we played the game. All tents were set up and we had a torch light as the fire. We pretended that we were on a hunting trip and my brother was a wild animal. So he was making all these awful noises and was pulling at the tents, trying to attack us. My cousin brother grabbed my favourite doll and started whacking my brother's head and shrieking like a little girl. After a few hits, my doll's head just snapped and flew across the room. I cried.

Though we had lots of fun with him, he did do some pretty mean stuff to us. One of his favourite games, which me and my sis loathe, was the helicopter game, where he'd grab a bunch of our hair and started twisting them around, like the helicopter's propeller. As a way to defend myself, i'd start kicking and punching him while yelling at him to stop. That's where i learned all my fighting skills. Still, he's the smartest person i've ever known. Since he was 4, he'd be reading books on dinosaurs and physics and he'd pass his knowledge onto us. He'd even quiz us on what we've learned every week. I learned the sequence of the planets and all there is to know about protons since i was just 5 years old, thanks to my brother. Unfortunately, i'd forgotten all about it when i turned 7. It would be such a big help to me during spm if i remembered.

Thank goodness he'll be back in january, though it'd be awkward for me since i haven't spoken to him since 3 years ago

2009-10-19T20:20:00.000+08:00

am i more of an angel, or more of a devil? More of a devil, according to my mom.

You know, sometimes i think my mom doesn't really listen to us kids when we're talking to her. Example:

A few years ago, the whole family was riding in the car, on the way to some place or just leaving, i don't remember. But that's not the point. So, i, as the most annoying and problematic person in the family, came up with a question for the family. Conversation went as such:

Sc (me): if a bad genie is gonna turn you into a type of food and he gave you the freedom of choosing whatever food that you're gonna turn into, what would it be? You can't say you don't want to turn into one because it's not an option and you can't choose to be something nasty so that you won't be eaten, cuz that's cheating.

Sis: (after a moment of serious thinking) i want to be a chocolate cake.

Mom: i want to be a lilly flower.

Me and sis were just staring at her and she didn't even notice her mistake.

See? Proof that parents don't listen to you when you wanna talk, but get's mad when you DON'T want to

GRRRRRRRR

2009-10-16T21:52:00.000+08:00

i'm really confused. Right now, what i really want to do is just run. Where to? It doesn't matter. All these questions and doubts are really taking a toll on my life, i just wanna let it all out. Screaming won't do, i have really inconsiderate neighbours, don't want them giving me their dirty looks when i see them, not that they're any good to look at anyway. Hmph. FIY: i'm not usually like this, it's just that these bloody thoughts in my head is really making me insane and so mad, i could really kill someone.

2009-10-05T22:09:00.000+08:00

my mommy said that sometimes she regrets having me. Is that true???? =(

have chocolates, and i'm gratefully dead

2009-10-04T15:11:00.000+08:00

i really, really want chocolates right now, preferably truffles, they're AMAZING!! Probably the best kind of chocs i have ever tasted. But to have it is a luxury, 40 something for 100 grams!! What to do, imported from germany. The first time i had it was when my aunt brought a packet over when she came to visit (she's from england but there's nothing british about her though she does try so hard to be one, she's more malaysian ah sam than anything). And i was thinking, wow, it must've cost a fortune, how generous of her. Turns out it was a gift from her german friends or something. I don't really expect much from her. She always saying 'oh, i'm gonna get you this and that before i leave....' but what do i get? More reasons to dislike her. But anyway, chocolates are really the only food that cam make me smile while eating it. It's like, the holy sweet or something. Makes me peaceful inside.....hmmmm....

Now the pissed off part: why wasn't i born in the 60's??? I missed out on all the good stuff!!! All the great bands like grateful dead, the most amazing concert that is woodstock. If i was born in the 70's, i'd be able to enjoy music from both 60's and 80's without having to wait till now. All those awesome bands and songs, covered up in dust, just waiting for me to yank them out, giv 'em a good dusting and just....appreciate them.

Oh grateful dead, i'm so sorry it took me so long to google your music!!! Pardon

Now, this is the very first post where chocolates and rock music are mentioned together. FINALLY!!!

meanie on the loose

2009-10-04T13:03:00.002+08:00

dilemma...dilemma.... Do i speak my mind and risk being an asshole in everyone's eyes; or do i keep quiet and try to tolerate it for as long as i can and stay mad inside????
I seriously want to be a bitch la, i can't take it anymore. The first few times were like 'ok, i'll humour you, whatever floats your boat'. Now it's like 'do it again and i'm gonna go bloody crazy'.
Most people would say, 'oh, it's a privellage, you should be happy'. Ba ba kia la!! I'm burning inside. I'm gonna go mad and start clawing at everyone's face, like a psychotic bitch (hehe)
Since i don't like asking for advice, i like making my own choices in life, i choose to...............be the bitch that i am!!!! Muahahaha!! I'm a bitch, fear me!! I don't care anymore la, this is one of those situations where you have to be selfish and protect yourself than be nice to people and making yourself miserable. There's a time to be nice, there's a time to be selfish and mean. I just prefer to be the latter cuz it's more me!!
I AM hak yan zang

" no one knows what it's like to be a bad man...."

2009-09-26T03:02:00.000+08:00

haiya.....why is everything not going my way????????????????
what did i do to deserve this??????????????????????????????
i angry ah!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i-love-clothes

2009-09-26T02:31:00.000+08:00

oh my GAAAWWWDD!!! you really DO meet all the shitholes on the internet!! this lady tried selling me this hoodie that was supposedly a forrest gump original, with the words " run, forrest, run" printed on the front. naturally, i asked for a picture. she sent it, i opened it, saw it, zoomed up on it...............it's a flipping FAKE! instead of "run forrest, run", all i saw were gibberish boldly printed on it. right away i told her, "no thank you." honestly, she could've been the worst conman in the universe! talk about being a dickhead!

but, yeah, my latest passion is online shopping. i practically bought half of my clothes online, and some accessories plus it's the best way to purchase cheap and hard-to-get concert tickets! i know that most of the stuff sold on the internet are pre-loved, but it sure beats shopping at malls where everyone else buys their clothes from. i don't wanna be walking down the street and having to dodge those who, unfortunately, were wearing the same clothes as i am. and worse still, to have someone pointing and whispering 'look, look over there, i see twins!' that's the most moronic thing to say on occasions like this.

right now, i just can't wait to receive my sesame street hoodie from the mail. ohh yeahhhh....
don't you think it looks amazing????????????

smush

2009-09-05T00:25:00.000+08:00

the image of my perfect angel
the blueberry cheesecake i made
chocolate dome cake
and my hideous tiramisu cake

guide me to a better place

2009-09-04T23:53:00.000+08:00

Confucius say, you go to jail, bad boy. HAHA!!! this cracks me up everytime i hear it.

GRR!!! now my lecturers know me as 'the one with the tattoo'. honestly, i love what i'm studying now. i think that the thing that happened earlier this year may be a blessing in disguise. if it wasn't for that, i would still be stuck studying in taylor's, living a life full of disappointments and confusions, feeling bad for myself. if it wasn't for that, i wouldn't have found the faith i needed in life . never would i have thought that a drawing of a guardian angel would give me the strength to keep going. and the most amazing thing happened one early morning that practically changed me:

it was around 7 a.m, the sun was just beginning to rise and the sky looked exactly like those ancient paintings you'd be able to see on the ceilings of churches and old building, murals, those with little baby angels, or cupids, resting on clouds. and i saw, honestly, i'm not lying, i saw this cloud in the shape of an angel with beautiful wings on it's back. that was the moment when i told myself, snap out of it suchen. how can you waste your life away, cooped up in you room? your life isn't miserable.

and that is the reason why i had a tattoo of a guardian angel done on my arm. why my arm? some people may think, oh, she's just trying to show of, making herself look hardcore. well, those people don't know shit! i have my own reasons. say what you want. if it weren't for this tattoo, i think i'll relapse. everytime i'm upset about something or someone's giving me a hard time, i'll just take a look at the angel, and i'll remember that God loves me, my angel is here to protect me, i have everything going for me, what's there to be upset about?

gosh, i sound really religious. but i think that someone like me who has a disturbed mind should have a religion to keep me from straying and on the right path. it worked for my brother, maybe it'll work for me too. after all, i'm dark enough to be labelled as a goth by a shrink!!!!!!

2009-09-03T22:30:00.000+08:00

under pressure!!

pray tomorrow gets me higher

can't we give ourselves one more chance

oh no..oh no...

2009-08-23T13:58:00.000+08:00

my sister's leaving!!! *BAWL!!! i'll be all alone again.....but i won't cry, not like last time. i'll miss those times when she'll start hitting me and shouting at me because i've been annoying her like hell. i'll start singing "sister, i'm not much A poet but a criminal....." and she'll start threatening me "do you want me to hit you? i'll leave you here by yourself in the mall". sigh...

but good thing is, it's my brother's turn to come back and visit us. and he'll be here to CNY!! how i wish january would come quickly....just when you're eagerly awaiting a special day to arrive, time goes by so slowly it's like it stopped. but when you're dreading a certain day, like tmrw when my sister's leaving for US, time practically flies by so fast, it's like the speed of light.

mamma mia!!!

P...for perfect

2009-08-18T21:04:00.000+08:00

THANK GAWD!!! THANK GAWD!!! i passed my driving test!! i was so nervous that day, my hands were actually sweating and shaking...that has never happened to me before, not even when i was waiting in line to get my SPM results. i was given the no.13 and was told to keep in line. the first 10 people were told to get in the cars and wait for their turn to do the slope test. i was praying silently in my heart for each of them, and me, to pass the slope test, after that, the others are just wet wet water. but, omigosh, 7 out of 10 failed. when it was my turn, surprise, surprise!! i passed!! woohoo!! after that, everything just went smoothly.

and honestly, getting that tattoo turned out to be a better idea than i thought. who would've known i'd make so many friends just by getting one? everyone just comes up and ask, is that real? from then on, we're friends. part of me thinks that one of the reason i passed the test was because the pegawai was in a good mood after our little chat about tattoos and college life.

i don't know if i would be bold enough, but when i get my P license this week, i wanna drive to mid valley on saturday!!!

dang, i'm really enjoying college....

food makes the world go round

2009-08-13T18:23:00.000+08:00

i'm gaining weight day by day, and it won't stop for another 24 months! though i know i may get overweight, but i'm blissfully happy to be able to indulge in some lovely self-made cakes and pastries. studying at MIB may be a good choice after all. first of all, free food every week (i brought home some breads, scones and cookies, they were lovely). second, i'm actually liking it and having lot's of fun, the ppl there are nice. though my mom is thankful for all the goodies that i brought home, she starting to worry about her weight, too! but for my dad, he's happily stuffing himself with everything i made. free mah.

i don't mind being chubby, just not overweight. but it's hard for me, i love food! even my mom knows this, everytime i'm in a foul mood, her way of cheering me up is to take us all out for a nice dinner. and it works! last week we went to this korean BBQ restaurant, and it was amazing!! the food was great, and i've developed a liking for kimchi and this korean spicy meat soup, which my sister detest. and we were eating the cooked meat the traditional way of wrapping it in a lettuce leaf with their fermented bean paste. excellent!!! and i've always wanted to try eating with the stainless steel chopsticks and spoon that i saw from korean dramas, so finally i've got the chance to do it, though i'm a bit disappointed with the chopsticks. they were flat, which makes it a tad hard for me to use. and i loved their sugarcane tea.

i never really minded that my family aren't rich, we lead a pretty easy life after all. but everytime we go out for dinner, i do feel kind of upset that we don't have lots and lots of money so that we can eat at all the nice, but expensive food in the world!!!

grrrr

2009-08-07T23:25:00.000+08:00

i can't believe it. my neighbour is right outside my gate, ringing the buzzer, trying to get money from my dad. what nerve! every CNY, he comes over and asks for an angpow from my dad and he's always expecting to get nothing less than rm20 every time. he ASKS for it! doesn't he have any pride left? and people keep asking me why i don't get along with my neighbours. DANG IT! i wish we'd just move some place else with a better view and better security. some one stole some of our bags of rubbish the other night. not that there were anything valuable in them, so i'm not pissed about that. what annoyed me was that rubbish were strewn everywhere! next time if they plan to steal our leftovers again, please, at least have the decency to keep our front road clean, bodaggits!!!

lucky no. 3

2009-08-04T12:38:00.000+08:00

Yyyyaaaayyyyyy!!!!! i'm so happy and excited right now, i can't wait for next week to come. first off, i'm starting college!!! i can't wait to get my hands all floury and sticky. plus, after i get my license, IF i pass the test on the 17th, i get to drive to college!! WOOHOO!!!

second off, we're gonna buy a new car!! mom and dad are keen to get an MVP, since my brother is back from his mission next year and we're finally able to celebrate CNY with him, after 5 years away from home. though i'm really happy to be able to see him after such a long time, i'm still kind of worried about how he'd react if he saw my tattoo, which is pretty big. BROTHER, PLEASE DON'T GET MAD!!!!!!! maybe he'd be cool about it, since he knows i listen to heavy rock and metal and he's ok about it. i mean, try listening to MCR's first record, there's full of the F word in there, and though he's a bit unhappy about it, he did buy it and send it all the way from the US for me. dang, i can't believe i'm starting to get worried about it now, and there's still 5 more months to go.

and last off, i got em' passes to the MTV world stage concert! i'm just there to watch AAR, since i don't really know the others apart from hoobastank and boys like girls because i don't listen to the radio. the only station that i listen to is light fm, but i don't have much choice. since my dad is in control of the car radio. i still remember the GC concert. the passes were supposed to be free, but we had to purchase them from the internet, and for RM50 each!! mok sok ah!! some people are just plain mean. i, on the other hand, vouch never to stoop to such level as to exploit money from others.

pedro's got his nails cut! such a good boy.

revisiting the past

2009-07-11T03:53:00.000+08:00

foolishly, i am writing this now, nearing dawn, when i should be spending those 2 precious hours i have left sleeping before i have to get up and go for that dumb 6 hour amali course which i think is a waste of time and effort on my part. but, i, already in the habit of sleeping late and waking up later, was watching cartoons all night long without a second thought on how lethargic i would be the next day, or, later today. but, i always have been stupid and ignorant about my health. for me, leisure comes first, haha................

so, i couldn't sleep, and have been browsing through the Facebook profiles of various high school friends. and now, i've come to realise that i miss the carefree life i had in high school. all i did was play and talk with friends, and, spend a small amount of my time worrying about exams three times every year. boy, life was good.

i've always had problems adjusting to new people, new environments. one thing that makes me so sad about leaving high scool is that it means i had to do things all over again, like making new friends and getting used to new surrounding and everything. i have to admit, i was pretty reluctant to leave school during the last day of SPM. i miss CHS. i miss my high school friends. I MISS MY CLASSMATES, I MISS 5S3!!!!!!!!

man, if only i'm smart smart enough to build a time machine. i know it's impossible, but, hey, at least i'm able to dream, right?

fruitful trip

2009-07-07T01:08:00.000+08:00

i'm never going to get my own macbook! i can't believe it! everyone i know have their own laptop but i don't! i'm soo jealous of my sister everytime she takes out her shiny mac out and doing all sorts of cool things on it, things you can never do with windows. everything's so smooth! dang!

penang trip was definitely an unforgettable one. the car broke down halfway through, driving on the highway. called the tow truck but had to wait eons for it to arrive. me, my mom and my sister had to ride in our car while it was tilting at a 30 to 40 degrees angle with the window down while my father rode in the front seat of the tow truck with the towing guy, or whatever you call them. i'm not complaining, it was actually pretty fun to have the wind blowing against my face and through my hair. fortunately the car was fixed and ready to be taken for a long drive in 4 hours so we continued the journey from ipoh to penang and arrived at night. we were so pooped that we went to bed straight after dinner, not bothering to take a look around.

woke up at 8, which is an exhausting thing for me to do for i like to wake up late. took the winding road down from the apartment to town with an empty stomach. vomited at the gas station. everyone was in a sulky mood and snapping at everybody, so i grumpily suggested that we had breakfast first before doing any planning. so we ate and went to these places: fort cornwallis, where i took pictures with the goats and ponies, the town museum, creepy place, the baba nyonya mansion, loved it!! and the toy museum, with it's massive toy collection, said to be the largest in the world. it was amazing! it can be considered a great feat for us to visit 4 different places in an afternoon, 3 within walking distance from town and the other was a 10 minute drive. had dinner at gurney drive, which was pretty disappointing, i have to admit. the quality of the food has definitely dropped the last time i visited, which was 6 years ago.

the third day, the day we were to return, we didn't do much. in fact, we didn't do anything. we just went straight back home, for i was worried about pedro, my cat who's probably in his teens now, who was left at home because we thought it would be better to have him in a familiar environment than in a cage at a pet hotel. pedro doesn't like to be locked up, he goes crazy.

still, my family learned alot during this trip: we just can't spend long hours with each other without starting an argument~

king of pop...DEAD?

2009-06-27T02:06:00.000+08:00

omigosh. one of the greatest singers in music history is gone...forever.

i was up at 7 in the morning to feed my cats and clean up the litter bin, just like every other day. so, there i was scooping poop out of the bin when i heard my dad announce, "micheal jackson's dead!" i just stood there, in shock. after what seemed like an eternity, i threw the scoop down and ran upstairs. CNN was on and what i saw were the words :micheal jackson dead, unconfirmed news by CNN. and i thought, ok, since it's still unconfirmed, he could still be alive, maybe there'd be a miracle and micheal would be saved! but i knew that was just wishful thinking. so i went back to bed after my chores were done, but i couldn't go back to sleep as i was still in shock. he was only 50 years old. i can't imagine the pain his fans must be going through, especially those who were waiting to watch him perform during his comeback tour. sadly, it's never going to happen.

think about it. many great musicians died at a young age. elvis presley, jimi hendrix, freddie mercury, cliff burton, bob marley...but to me, the greatest loss is Jeff Buckley. he drowned while swimming when he was only 30. for those who have no idea who jeff is, he's the guy who did a cover of leonard cohen's 'Hallelujah' and did a better job at it. it's hauntingly beautiful. jeff is known for his amazing vocals, he could sing notes that are so high, even pavarotti couldn't reach those notes. and no, it's not a falsetto, it's his actual voice! listening to the song "Corpus Christi Carol" from his album , Grace, his ONLY complete studio album, i'm convinced that he's one of the best singers ever! it's sad that he had to leave too soon.......

R.I.P

drag me to candy land

2009-06-24T23:44:00.000+08:00

i'm gonna have nightmares tonight!!!

just saw the movie "Drag Me To Hell", and honestly, it's one of the scariest horror movie i've ever seen. i know many ppl don't find it THAT scary, but to me, it's truly terrifying. i'm not scared of the movie's 'sudden shock factor', it's the curse that gives me the shivers. and the spirit!! Lamia!! the Black Goat!! doesn't the pentagram have a goat's head in the middle of the inverted pentacle? don't satanists worship that symbol or something? see???!!! this is what freaks me out! it reminds me of, gulp, Satan. by the way, the geek mythical creature with the same name is nothing like the one in the movie. and, yes, the disgusting scenes made me squirm in my seat as well. never have i screamed while watching a horror movie before, but i screamed 3 times today! i had to use my sister's bag to cover my eyes from time to time. now, that's a good horror movie, with a lil' bit of humour thrown into it. Sam Raimi should do more horror movies. he could be the next M. Night Shyamalan. The Sixth Sense is still the ultimate horror movie for me!

and we're going to penang next week! i don't know, i get all excited whenever we're going somewhere local. i just love learning bout the history of certain states. actually, history is a pretty interesting subject, but no thanks to our dumb sejarah text book for making it sound all boring and, if i'm allowed to say so, it's quite biased about other races. i'm actually pretty stoked about visiting the museums there. i love museums, especially those old ones, with their musty smells and old colonial designs. i know, i know, i'm old fashioned, shoot me.

and i just learned that aaron kwok came to ipoh before to shoot a movie!! i mean, IPOH! it's like a ghost town there. but to have a superstar making a film there? unbelievable. i think i even recognize some of the places in the movie, but i may be wrong since all buildings in ipoh look alike cuz they're all OLD. another reason why i love going back for CNY and qing bing(is this the way to spell it?) i think i should move to england next time!

pedro's getting on my nerves today........

holy food! i'm confused!

2009-06-23T05:00:00.000+08:00

i knew i shouldn't have had that cup of coffee. coffee causes insomnia, lack of sleep causes suchen to wake up extremely late the next day, all grumpy and irritated. gosh, it's gonna be a bad day tomorrow.

ok, major problem. since i dropped out of college 4 months ago, i think it's high time that i start getting off my fat, lazy ass and do something with my life. Well, i'm malaysian, and my parents aren't as open minded as they say they are, so going for a long vacation is totally out of the question. so, the only thing i CAN do with my sad, miserable life right now is to sign up for another darn course. after spending 11 years in school (not counting my kindergarten years), i can't believe i have to do the whole crazy routine again so soon: getting up early, study for exams, TAKING the exams and shyte. i thought i could at least get a year off. oh well. and the worse thing is, i gotta decide on which course to take immediately because the next intake either in july or august. blasted choices.

ok, so after 2 tormenting months of studying mass comm, i'm pretty sure i'm not cut out for that, i'm an introvert after all. so, i guess it's back to F&B. can't become a vet, not because i'm not smart enough, it's because i can't stand seeing REAL blood. can't become a teacher, again not because i'm not smart enough, i have a short temper and low tolerance for slow learners. if you can't understand something after the first explanation, i'm ready to smack you across the head.

so now it's down to these two: baking or culinary arts? Baking is taught at MIB, culinary...guess it's back to taylor's. at least for culinary, i'm able to learn both: whipping up amazing french cuisine and still do some baking. but if i study baking, i would have to work solely in the baking industry. one more thing, i'm kinda worried about going back to taylor's after my sudden "disappearance" from class since feb. what am i gonna use as an excuse if i meet any of my previous course mates? um, sorry, but i just couldn't stand spending another sec with you guys because you're such stuck ups? if i want to make movies, heck, i can do it even without a degree. plus, i have two library books with me that were due months ago.

ok, let me make this clear. i know working in the F&B industry doesn't sound like an achievement, not like being a doctor, or a lawyer and what not. but depending from what i hear from these doctor-wannabes, they're not doing it because it's their passion to save lives, they're doing it for the money and reputation. like, OMG! now THAT'S a sad life. everyone knows that money doesn't bring you happiness, unless you're a fan of 'The Pursuit of Happyness'. so i'm doing this because i've always known i wanted to do this since i was in primary school. i've always wanted to open my very own cafe. i love food. i love working with my hands. i'm no studious person. i know i won't be able to earn alot unless i become the executive chef of a five star restaurant or hotel. but, as long as it pays my bills and still be enough for me to lead a comfortable life, then i'm happy, since i'm doing what i enjoy. so, smirk and laugh all you want, suckas, cuz this is my life!