my first, and also last

today was my first day of my first job since I graduated. and, already, I feel so unmotivated to go back again. I bet dozens of people go through the same thing too. nerves; they always get to you when you make up your mind to be braver than before.

as I sat there, in the office, looking at a guy setting up my computer for me, an audible sigh escaped my lips. and I didn't even make an attempt to cover it up. I was THAT bored, and THAT unhappy with this job and it wasn't even noon yet. as the day went on, I kept glancing at the clock at the bottom of the screen, hoping that it will miraculously change to 6:30 the next time I look at it. never had I experience such a dull moment, where I felt so useless. and I kept thinking to myself, "what the heck am I doing here? why am I wasting my time doing this while I could get a job that actually makes a difference to people's lives?" it was my mistake, thinking that I could handle an admin's job.

I've always wanted to become someone that could change people's lives. make them feel better about themselves, and this in turn makes me feel good. I've always had low self esteem issues. I felt that I was useless, and my existence only makes things worse for my family. at the back of my mind, the idea of being a therapist/psychiatrist was something that I have toyed with. but I was never confident enough to pursue it as I wasn't really into science and the best result I got was a B in bio. (confidence issue again). but now, more than ever, I feel that I am ready for this.

now, I don't mean to brag, but a few people have told me before that I was smart. in fact, too smart for my own good, as I tend to over think and over analyze things, which in turn makes me feel miserable as I tend to be a worrywart. I have a niche in reading people's emotions, expressions, character, behavior etc. and 8 out of 10 times, I get them right. and I have always found that a human's mind is so fascinating, it makes me want to study about it more.

majoring in psychology is tough, but, I hope that for once, I'll really bust my arse off for this.