Neverland no exist?

I'm going through a phase that I thought only happened to the-boy-who-never-ages, Peter Pan. No, I have not found an antidote that stops the aging process. It's just that right now, reaching this point in life, where I am already in my 20s, I am afraid of growing up.

It's funny that, as a teenager, I couldn't wait to grow up, be a responsible, working adult with a profession that I loved and can be proud of. Like, when you meet someone new at a party, the number one dreaded question that can never be avoided in a conversation is....what do you work as? It's even worst than talking about the weather.

As a virgin in adulthood, and still living with your parents, you know life won't be good to you. Parents are constantly nagging at you to get a job, while thrusting job enlistment ads in your face, trying to get you to be interested in mundane office jobs. Oh, the joy of working as an admin officer! I love the opportunity it offers me, to be able to sit in front of the computer and stare at spreadsheets all day with the phone ringing off the hook!

Right now, I would give my left nut to be able to go back to being a high school student again. Only, I don't have nuts. That's why it is never going to happen. I might as well try and act appropriately for my age, be mature and all. Peter has it good.

A daughter's wish

It is so painful and heart-wrenching to see your mother cry. And, worse, there is nothing you can do about to make her feel better.

Tears were rolling down her cheeks as she was sitting beside me while I was having my dinner. She was silently crying, not making it obvious while she wiped her tears away. I just sat there, not looking at her because I felt it would be awkward. The only sound heard was the clinking of my chopsticks against the porcelain bowl, and of me munching away.

Dad was to blame. He never really cared much about my mom's feelings whenever he speaks. Or respected her. The names that he called her every time they argued, it makes me want to throw up. I used to defend her when I was little. I would cry and drag my dad into the room, demanding that he apologize to my mom. Usually, it works. But as I got older, I tend to just blend into the background, listening, but not doing anything. Waiting until they cooled down, or I just left the room.

Mom has told me that after being married to each other for such a long time, the reason they never gotten divorced was not because of love. They have gotten so used to living with each other, that there was no reason to want to go through all the process of finding a new love again. And, it was also for us kids. I don't really agree with her reason, but I also do not want them to go through all the pain of getting a divorce. I just hope that, one day, they will finally learn to tolerate each other, respect each other, and know that the man, or woman, sleeping on the same bed for all these years, will be the same person you're growing old with.

zap them into thin air

I was taking the public transport today, and I, unwittingly, chose to board the train at 5 in the evening. Those who are unemployed or lucky to have a day off during a weekday knows to avoid taking public transports at that time because that's when working people leave their cubicle for the day and go home. So, obviously, the train was crammed like sardines. I am not tall, therefor I am short. It was one of the worst places to be stuck at. Me, struggling to balance myself as there weren't much space for me to stand, and bumping against those sweaty bodies. Ugh.

Well, if you ever took up moral studies, you know you should always give your seat to those who needs it more than you do, i.e. old folks, the handicapped, pregnant ladies or mothers with little kids. I am always glad to do so, and I normally stand, because I know that if my butt touches that seat, it would take a great deal of effort on my part to lift it off. I do so willingly, when the need arises, but I'm lazy. But when I see those 40-60 year old aunties cutting the que just so she could rush in and snatch the only seat available, I get so MAD! She doesn't look that old to begin with, and there were other women who crushes my heart to see them standing, like a woman who has the fluffiest set of white hair, or the mother who has 2 little kids clinging on to her. And it was obvious the kids were very uncomfortable as the train was so crowded, it was hard for them to breathe in between so many pairs of legs. It was already hard for ME to breathe.

And worse of all, when the person next to that selfish wart left, she immediately moved her pouch and her bag of groceries on to the seat, without a hesitation. People keep complaining that youngsters these days are rude. But have they ever come across people their age, male AND female, behaving worse? It is like we should treat them like royalty. They have the right to cut lines, shove us out of the way, or wait for them while they slowly picked out their groceries with their trolley hogging the whole lane. And when you speak up, politely asking them to move the trolley aside, they start glaring at you. As if you just cussed at them.

Where did those examples come from? Well, I went grocery shopping with my parents once, and I was pushing the trolley because I just liked doing that. I pushed my cart into the dry food aisle, looking for the canned soup section. YUM. Anyway, after I had selected my soup, I proceeded to push my cart along the aisle, looking for my mum. Now the lanes in this supermarket is big enough for 2 carts to pass through. And this not-so-old aunty had her cart parked on the left side of the lane, while she was standing on the right. She was taking her time picking out what she wanted. She picked one up, thought about it, shakes her head, puts it back and picked up another one. She did this for at least a century. I was starting to get old, waiting for her to make up her mind. As I couldn't wait any longer, I said, VERY POLITELY, "excuse me, could you push your cart to the other side as it's blocking the lane and I can't get through". I expected her to giggle a little, pushed the cart away while apologising with a smile. Old ladies can be very scary. She did push her cart away, but not before she glared at me and mumbled something under her breath. I caught a few words, like "why did you come into this aisle in the first place", and "I was here first", and, ironically, she called me rude. I swore I could've start lashing out at her but I knew my mom would disapprove. I did tell my mom about the incident. All she had to say was, "there are many kinds of people in this world. You have to learn to deal with them."

Thanks for the great advice mom. I will. The next time I'm in a line, and a haggard old lady pushes me away roughly to cut in front of me, I'll just shout "AVADA KEDAVRA" and make her disappear - forever. And that's how you deal with rude aunties.

It didn't rain today

What is it about girls and lying to impress a guy? If lying gets you the man, then I don't know how you can say that relationship you have is "so honest and real". Let's take my friend for example. Well, I don't think we're considered as friends because we hardly talk to each other ever since we graduated. But let's just refer to her as my friend. It'll be way easier than calling her the girl I used to hang out with in school. So, anyway, she had a crush on a guy in our class and never fail to keep me updated on his likes, dislikes and what not. I swear, it was like she was stalking him, but through Facebook. I admit, I do sometimes check on the profiles of people on my friends list, but not that excessively. That's why I keep reminding myself not to expose myself much on social networking sites, in an effort to avoid something like this happening to me. Not that it did, but there were, I wouldn't know because stalkers are meant to be discreet. But my friend, she's not even hiding the fact that she checks up on his profile every hour.

Well, some guys can be pretty egoistic and are attention whores. So to cut it short, the guy found out. I swear that that was part of my friend's plan by telling everyone, even those she's not close with, about her little crush. She's smart. Embarrassing, but brave. Naturally, they got together. Now, I think that it's an awful idea to hook up this quick, but that's just me being practical. It's not for everyone.

I, for one, have no ounce of interest in knowing about people's love life. I tried to show my disdain whenever my friend started telling me details about them that I really found boring, but maybe she's too ignorant, or she just didn't care that I wasn't paying attention. To sum it all up, she just told me about the lies she had to tell him, to keep him being interested in her. "Do you like the outdoors?" "Of course, I love it! I love nature." "What about the bugs, and the mud if it rains?" "Oh, that's just part of the fun!" "Do you like computer games?" "Yes! I play them all the time!" "Which are your favourites?" "Oh...you know, the one where you have to...shoot the enemies...those kinds."

I cringe every time this came up in our conversations. What are you going to do if your lies catches up to you in the future? And doesn't it bother you that the guy that is supposedly "the one" likes you based on the persona that you are portraying with your lies? And when he finds out you are nothing like the girl he thought you were and fell in love with, he WILL leave you. Can you handle the guilt and responsibility of breaking his heart because you weren't truthful throughout the relationship? I couldn't.

So girls, stop trying to lie or change yourself just to fit the requirements of the guy you think you love. Because, at the end, you're going to find out that it's not you he loves, but the girl who you made up just to be with him. Time to wise up.

my first, and also last

today was my first day of my first job since I graduated. and, already, I feel so unmotivated to go back again. I bet dozens of people go through the same thing too. nerves; they always get to you when you make up your mind to be braver than before.

as I sat there, in the office, looking at a guy setting up my computer for me, an audible sigh escaped my lips. and I didn't even make an attempt to cover it up. I was THAT bored, and THAT unhappy with this job and it wasn't even noon yet. as the day went on, I kept glancing at the clock at the bottom of the screen, hoping that it will miraculously change to 6:30 the next time I look at it. never had I experience such a dull moment, where I felt so useless. and I kept thinking to myself, "what the heck am I doing here? why am I wasting my time doing this while I could get a job that actually makes a difference to people's lives?" it was my mistake, thinking that I could handle an admin's job.

I've always wanted to become someone that could change people's lives. make them feel better about themselves, and this in turn makes me feel good. I've always had low self esteem issues. I felt that I was useless, and my existence only makes things worse for my family. at the back of my mind, the idea of being a therapist/psychiatrist was something that I have toyed with. but I was never confident enough to pursue it as I wasn't really into science and the best result I got was a B in bio. (confidence issue again). but now, more than ever, I feel that I am ready for this.

now, I don't mean to brag, but a few people have told me before that I was smart. in fact, too smart for my own good, as I tend to over think and over analyze things, which in turn makes me feel miserable as I tend to be a worrywart. I have a niche in reading people's emotions, expressions, character, behavior etc. and 8 out of 10 times, I get them right. and I have always found that a human's mind is so fascinating, it makes me want to study about it more.

majoring in psychology is tough, but, I hope that for once, I'll really bust my arse off for this.

mama no trust me

my headbanging buddy whenever I listen to music in my room

look at him, enjoying his drumstick, without a care in the world

'tis now dusk. the sky is starting to get dark. and, lucky me! the ceiling light in my room is busted, so I have to make do with my night light. now you know my little secret, I sleep with a night light. if you are nyctophobic like me, and you can't sleep without a light on, you'll know that a night light has to be DIM. who can fall asleep with bright lights blaring into their eyes? so to have my night light on as a substitute for my normal reading lights, well let's just say, it's more of a source of comfort. I'll just have to make do with my light from my lappie's screen. my eyes are almost bleeding from the glaring brightness, but it's so much better than typing blindly on my keyboard. otherwise, (typing with my eyes shut) my blog post will look something like this. holy crap! I swear I had my eyes closed while I was typing that! I'm a wizard, teehee!

don't you hate it that your parents have no faith in you when it comes to finding a job? I went for a job interview a few days ago, and they told me they would call me back to confirm the working hours. my parents were hovering over me all day, asking whether they called back. they started doing that since morning and it was worse than having a fly buzzing around you. I mean, at least with a fly, you can swat at it and it'll leave you alone for a few minutes. but, with parents, you had to muster all the strength in you that you never knew you had before this, and answer them. no use swatting them away. it only makes them more annoyed, which is something you wouldn't want them to be. angry parents = you're dead. 

anyway, I told them, several times, NO, they haven't called yet. instead of an "oh" and walking away, they started saying things which doesn't make things, or me, feel better. 

"did they call yet?"

"no."

"they're not gonna call. you should probably find another job. I saw a good one in the job enlistment section of today's paper. why don't you try giving them a call?"

"no, mum. it's barely 3 in the afternoon yet. why can't we wait a little longer?"

"if they wanted you, they would've called you sooner. it's your fault for telling them you wanted to continue your studies."

"why is it MY FAULT? I just told them the truth!"

"no one wants to hire someone when they know he/she's going to be bailing after a few months."

note to self: never tell parents what happened during job interviews.

but, MY patience paid off. they called me at 5:31 pm. I don't care if it wasn't professional of them to call then, I just wanted to prove my mom wrong. God will not let misfortune fall upon those who tell the truth. WIN.

you know you're meant to study psychology when you're a more rational thinker than your mom. HAHA

y u no call earlier?

gah! don't you hate it when bad timing ruined your chances of getting something better in life?

it's so weird. i was sooo hoping to get a job at groupon. i even sent my resume to them. they told me that i would be contacted within 3 days if my application was shortlisted. if you waited till the 3rd day, and you still haven't gotten a call or e-mail yet, naturally you'll assume you didn't get it. so i went to this interview for another job (an admin job, oh gosh), and (haha) i got it. yeah. nothing to shout about. i'm not exactly thrilled about it. but something else made the day worse.

GROUPON CALLED ME AT FLIPPING 7:30PM! like, dude! i know we malaysians are guilty of doing things at the last minute. but come on! you could've at least called me in the afternoon! way to go! and you guys call yourself efficient. ya-huh.

i went for the interview for the admin position and the guy was asking me, you're not planning on leaving the job after a few months, are you? cuz i said i might further my studies. and i said, no. and he replied, oh good cuz a number of applicants we hired prior to this just bailed on us after a few months. OH GAWD. that was one of the reasons why i just couldn't accept the job at groupon. imagine how i'm perceived in their mind when i have to call them the next day and say, oh hey i guess i might not be coming for work next week. and forever.

it might be just like what my mom told me, it was meant to be comforting, but meh  -  it just wasn't meant to be.

grammer mistakes? noooo!

i have always wanted to be a freelance article writer. but, dang it! apparently i still make grammatical errors when i write. yeah, yeah, i know whose fault it is - my english teachers! i never get cool teachers who tells you to call them by their first names, or buy you a cup of coffee while they listen to your childish complaints about life. why can't they make classes interesting enough to keep me from dozing off during grammer class?!

the only reason i don't skip class is because i like literature. whenever the teacher tells us to take out the phantom of the opera, or whatever we were studying that year, i always squeal in delight. on the inside, that is. i don't squeal for people to hear. but, because i get overeager to finish the story in the shortest time as possible, i speed read. really fast. i don't pay much attention to the grammer or anything. just the keywords, which are, surprisingly, enough for me to grasp the plot of the story. but of course there are minor disadvantages when i speed read. i sometimes miss the little details that somehow, rather annoyingly, become the major plot later on in the story. then i will have to flip through the pages again, or if i'm oddly in a good mood that day, i start reading from chapter 1 again. (which happened when i was reading the last harry potter book)

BUT, i guess it's not my calling. who knows, it might be a sign that there are greater things in store for me.

rant of an angry moth

when you were a kid, you are constantly nagged at to put your toys away, and to eat your veggies. when you started school, you worried about finishing your homework and getting good grades to keep your parents happy and become less of a worrywart. then college comes, where they push you to work harder so you could "get a real job and earn some real money, be your own boss". now that you've graduated, barely a month into your honeymoon, they tell you to get your ass off the couch and start looking for a job.

to be honest, this is not how i imagined my life to be. or, at least, my youth. i wanna try everything that i lay my eyes on, anything that seems unorthodox to my parents: tattoo artist, even a dog walker. i'm just turning 21 this year, and getting a serious job, committing hours of work for a measly pay isn't part of my goal or plan in life. if i get to live till 80, i don't want to spend 60 years of my life working my ass off when i could've enjoyed it while i was young and gay, flexible and energetic.

oh, i'm sure there will be people saying to themselves, huh, you should work and start saving now. you want to enjoy life? why not wait till you retire? NAH-UH! i don't want to be all wrinkly and weak when i travel. i don't want to be snoozing away in the afternoon when i could've spent the day rock climbing. or get a heart attack while i jump off a cliff. no, being a youth is the perfect opportunity for me to soak up everything i see, to actually be able to savour the magical moment when you go somewhere new, or see mona lisa up close, to try exotic foods that you have no idea what the ingredients are. being young is the time for being brave enough to do whatever you want. if anyone else doesn't agree with me, then you might as well just be a shriveled up old sponge - useless.