be stil, my heart

i immensely dislike fickle minded people. and cockiness, i hate.

i hope, hope, HOPE that my wish will finally come true, someday. but for how long shall i have to wait? hopefully not until the day that i die.

"you know the happiest day of my life
  i swear the happiest day of my life is the day that i die
  can you feel the cold tonight?
  it sets in but it's alright
  darkness falls, i'm letting go
  all alone but i feel just fine

  did i live it right?
  i hope i lived it right
  i know i lived it right"

not being morbid. so let's get on to the happy stuff. days to bali trip: 6 days!! YES!! plus, i get to stuff myself like mad on sunday night, as i'm attending a wedding dinner =) =) =). i don't even know the bride, who's actually my mom's grand niece, but heck, i'm just attending for the food. plus, i love the way they serve dinner at those chinese restaurants, with the music playing on full blasts, and the lights out, and out of nowhere you see the waiters and waitresses bringing out the dishes with a lit candle placed in the middle of  the plates. i know it's a gimmick, and it's totally over the top, but it's just fun to watch. and i also love collecting those decorative flowers. i know it's not edible, but i just think they look pretty. plus, it'll be a great toy for Pedro. yes, i sometimes nick things off my dinner plate, if it's worth the trouble. ooh, i hope that i get to have a glass of wine. after all, i'm legal now. yay!

and for some reason, i'm feeling panicky. is this a sign of impending doom? will there be trouble for me ahead? i just hope that everything will go smoothly for the next 2 weeks. please, PLEASE, to the Lord above, let everything just sail smoothly for me, and all waves be gone.

there will be faith

urgh....fine time to get sick. just when i'm gonna sit for my exams. i hate it when things like this happen. when i wish to be sick, i'm as healthy as a horse. when i want to be up and chirpy, i get annoying boogies hanging from my nose. and for some reason, i'm panicking right now. i KNOW i won't be able to sleep tomorrow. this sucks.

fly birdie, fly!
fly high into the sky
and bring me back a cloud that is nearest to heaven

RIP OFF!!!

gosh, everyone around me seems to be really down this week. and how does that affect me? by not being able to help them out. i hate seeing people around me being upset or mad and i can't do anything to comfort them. i'm not a good talker. and it doesn't help that i'm in a foul mood either. I NEED SOMETHING TO GIVE ME A BOOST!!! or, at least, some motivation in life. sigh. right now, i wish that there's a hole in the ground for me to lie into.

and the bloody saga seems to be a huge disappointment. i feel cheated, though i'm not the one forking out the forty two thousand. but, seriously, if you expect someone to pay a large sum of money for something, it better be nice and worth the money they're paying!! advertisers are huge liars. thank goodness i stopped communications.

exams next week. thinking about it makes me soooo tired. the bali trip is the only thing pulling me through these dreadful weeks. i just want to sleep!!!!

harpeee!!!

YES!!! YES!!! HALLELUJAH!!! the new car's ready and we're gonna be picking it up tomorrow!!!

finally, i wouldn't need to suffer anymore. honestly, the old car, a 13 year old kancil, is like a jail cell. it's so hot, you'll be sweating like mad, even with the air con on, if you could still consider it as an air con. it produces more heat than cool air. sometimes, the temperature inside the car is way higher than the temperature outside, i kept having the urge to just get out and walk.

than You, God, for answering my prayers. thank You for helping my mom realize that we NEED a new vehicle.

i need chocolates

it's so strange. i was in an uber foul mood this past week. i didn't really talk much, got irritated real easily, and just kept to myself all the time. then, on sunday, while we were on our way to dinner after visiting my grandma at the hospital, i heard the song "Angel" by Sarah McLachlan playing on the radio. it caught my attention immediately. it was the same song that was played in the video made as a tribute to Baxter, the therapy dog, and it made me cry uncontrollably. i was struggling to smother my sniffles and sobs when i was watching the video on youtube for it was already midnight and i was in the upstairs living room. i didn't want to wake my parents with my loud sobs.

so, when i heard the same song, i started thinking of Baxter, and slowly, my thoughts went to Puss, one of my two cats, and how he lost his "fangs" due to his old age. in human years, i think he's around 10 to 11 years old, which makes him 60 in cat years. REALLY OLD. he's more ancient than my dad. since i was young, whenever i think or dreamt of him dying, i'd start crying. i couldn't bear to think of him leaving me. gosh, my tears are starting to well up in my eyes now. so, right now, i'm appreciating every single day i have with him. even Pedro loves and worships him dearly. every morning when he sees Puss washing his face on the lamp post after his breakfast, he's run out of the house, sit on the ground, and just stare at him like he's God. i'd hate to think how Pedro would react the day he finds that his buddy wouldn't be around to play with him anymore.

well, back to the story. so, when i got back home, i turned on my laptop and downloaded the song straight away. cried the whole night. my eyes were so swollen, i could hardly see my pupils. i spent the next whole afternoon googling for images of angels. saved plenty, and even made one as my wallpaper. seriously, since i saw that wonderful formation of clouds in the morning sky some months back, i've been so fascinated with angels. and after looking through all those beautiful images, my mood was lifted immediately. i felt calm and was grateful for the life i have now. but, not that i'm being overly negative, i know that this feeling won't last long. but having an angel constantly with me, (the one on my arm), i'm confident that it'll return when i need it to.

call me insane or whatever, but i cry when i think of my pets dying. they mean alot to me.

Rainbow Bridge

Just this side of heaven is a place called Rainbow Bridge.

When an animal dies that has been especially close to someone here, that pet goes to Rainbow Bridge.
There are meadows and hills for all of our special friends so they can run and play together.
There is plenty of food, water and sunshine, and our friends are warm and comfortable.

All the animals who had been ill and old are restored to health and vigor; those who were hurt or maimed are made whole and strong again, just as we remember them in our dreams of days and times gone by.
The animals are happy and content, except for one small thing; they each miss someone very special to them, who had to be left behind.

They all run and play together, but the day comes when one suddenly stops and looks into the distance. His bright eyes are intent; His eager body quivers. Suddenly he begins to run from the group, flying over the green grass, his legs carrying him faster and faster.

You have been spotted, and when you and your special friend finally meet, you cling together in joyous reunion, never to be parted again. The happy kisses rain upon your face; your hands again caress the beloved head, and you look once more into the trusting eyes of your pet, so long gone from your life but never absent from your heart.

Then you cross Rainbow Bridge together....

Author unknown...

Sarah McLachlan - In The Arms Of An Angel

Spend all your time waiting for that second chance
For the break that will make it okay
There's always some reason to feel "not good enough"
And it's hard at the end of the day
I need some distraction, oh beautiful release
Memories seep from my veins
They may be empty and weightless, and maybe
I'll find some peace tonight

In the arms of the Angels, fly away from here
From this dark, cold hotel room, and the endlessness that you fear
You are pulled from the wreckage of your silent reverie
You're in the arms of an Angel; may you find some comfort here

So tired of the straight line, and everywhere you turn
There's vultures and thieves at your back
The storm keeps on twisting, you keep on building the lies
That you make up for all that you lack
It don't make no difference, escaping one last time
It's easier to believe
In this sweet madness, oh this glorious sadness
That brings me to my knees

In the arms of the Angels, far away from here
From this dark, cold hotel room, and the endlessness that you fear
You are pulled from the wreckage of your silent reverie
In the arms of an Angel; may you find some comfort here

beep...i'm button

i've always had an obsession with all things new age, psychics, sixth sense, angels, vampires, werewolves, ghosts, zombies...blah blah. but, i'm REALLY not happy with the twilight series. i feel like their giving real vampires a bad name, it's degrading to them! vampires are supposed to be scary and dark, not glittery and romantic! no offense to twilight fans but i just prefer the traditional version of vampires more.

somtimes i try so hard to be optimistic, things tend to go the other way and i feel miserable. i like to be hopeful but things never seem to go my way. it's kind of like a test, to see how much faith i still have in life. guess that i have more faith than before, as i'm still holding on, not giving up   =)  proud of myself for having the strength to face each new day, overcoming all obstacles. the day started out bad but buying a new bag pack totally cheered me up. it's uber cute and nice! though i had to pay for it on my own, it's worth every cent  XD

little black monster from an anime

the practical exam didn't go quite so well. i swear i could have broke someone's neck. i was anxious because time was running out and we still had plenty to do, i was tired from running here and there, and to top it all off, someone was annoying the heck out of me. guess that if someone was born with a particular character, it takes a miracle for them to change. "you can't polish a turd". but the end result was pretty satisfying, although the cake was not frozen long enough, hadn't fully set yet, but it was fun to work together with friends. it was an exam but poeple were still helping each other out. this is what teamwork is, baby!

and i would like to wish cheah bitch a happy b'day. couldn't wish her earlier cuz i woke up late (yeah, typical of me) and couldn't celebrate with her also, for she's in australia. but i'll be seeing her soon and we're going to have a blast! i'm sure of it!

ouchie wa wa

things that i'm looking forward to:

• the new car
• the bali trip with me besties
• seeing my bro after who knows how many years
• christmas!!!!
• the new year (hopefully things would change for the better)
• strangely enough, the next phone call from my sis
• next visit from my aunt from england so that i can stand up to her with my new found strength and faith
• not that i'm being optimistic, but i'm looking forward to tomorrow because it's a new day and i'm waiting to see if anything worthwhile will happen

yes, i'm overly spiritual. but that's not a crime, right??? and what happened to that spell check function in blogger?  i need it!

imma firing ma lasers

you know, sometimes i wonder to myself, why do i even bother? why am i the one who's constantly worrying bout things when it's supposed to be a group effort? and i'm supposed to be the blardy junior. HUH.

so i passed my practical exam. whoopeee. now i just can't wait for it to be over and to be able to part-ay with my bitches in bali!! first trip together and we're spending it somewhere, outside of malaysia.
A-W-E-S-O-M-E!!! i just hope that there wouldn't be any tsunamis or (heh-heh) bombings happening there. i mean, i don't mind dying, but i'm there on holiday! it's not supposed to happen and ruin my week of bliss. 2 things i can't wait to do to while i'm in bali: go on a makan spree and.....TO THE BEACH!! provided that it's not windy or raining. if it is, i'll have to stay away from the beach, as far away as possible, just like what my momma told me to do.

i hate it when people assume that they understand me when they really don't. or when they think that i live a worry-free life when the problems that i'm facing now are ten times more worse that theirs, it's just that i don't talk openly about it. i like keeping things to myself and i rarely let anyone in, except for those who are really close to me. even then, there are some things that i don't tell anyone, ANYONE. not even my mom. i  mean, who would if you have a mom constantly probing, asking you if there was anything wrong at college or with friends when there really wasn't anything. well, maybe there's something wrong with you, mom. but i'm really private, and i mean, really. no one knows how i really think and feel because i don't show or talk about it. it's like my face shows no emotion, blank. poker face, that's what my mom calls it.

but don't take this the wrong way, it's not that i don't trust my mom or my best friends, it's just that i don't see the need of letting people know about it. well, actually, i don't fully trust anyone. i don't trust my mom that much either. but there are reasons behind that, but i'm not telling  =). i don't like mentioning it and i doubt that people would like listening to them. they have enough problems on their hands without having to empathize with mine. i'm very considerate, you see. *puke*

my mind is playing tricks on me again. can't my emotions be stable? i hate having these sudden depressive moods. can't i BE happy?

how crazy am i?

Personality Disorder Test Results Paranoid |||||||||||||| 54% Schizoid |||||||||||||||||||| 82% Schizotypal |||||||||||||||||||| 90% Antisocial |||||||||||| 50% Borderline |||||||||||||||| 70% Histrionic |||||||||| 34% Narcissistic |||||||||| 34% Avoidant |||||||||||||||| 66% Dependent |||||||||| 34% Obsessive-Compulsive |||||||||||| 42%

Take Free Personality Disorder Test
personality tests by similarminds.com

i love my blog more than i love my website. my website is...totally hopeless. degrading mua

pink smocks

oh wait. i did gain something from the argument. DOB's old laptop, the one i tried to destroy, TWICE. note, i said tried, not as an accident. well, he was really pissing me off, and i needed to destroy something to release my anger. and his laptop, his precious, was the nearest thing to me. it wasn't entirely my fault, he called me the devil's child first. i mean, what kind of parent would call their child as the devil's child? it's just wrong! no matter how angry i got, the worst i could go for was bastard. and not only did he call me the devil's child, he slapped me! like he was exorcising the demons out of me. but heck, i don't care. because at the end of the day, he was the one feeling guilty for what he's done. HAHA!!!

and i'm getting a new car!!! it's nothing expensive, just a proton saga. in fact, it's extremely cheap compared to the higher end cars. but it's just 1.3 after all, perfectly reasonable. but it's NEW!! and since my mom doesn't drive much, in fact, she hasn't driven for months, that means i have total ownership of the car. muahahaha!!!! thank you, mommy, for being so thoughtful and reasonable...once in a while =)

ibu ganas

my mom, and i quote her, is going to fuck me. no, seriously, she said that. we were having an argument on how, as a growing adult, i'm gonna need my privacy. therefore, a new laptop is highly appreciated. understandably, she went berserk.

psychotic mom: "WHAT??? YOU WANT A LAPTOP? YOU HAVE A PERFECTLY GOOD DESKTOP SITTING RIGHT HERE AND YET, YOU STILL WANT ME TO PAY FOR A LAPTOP WITH CASH FROM MY NEARLY EMPTY BANK ACCOUNT? AND YOU WANT A MACBOOK!! A DELL WOULD SUIT YOU JUST FINE. I'M ALREADY PAYING FOR YOUR MIXER AND FOR THE NEW CAR. DO YOU WANT ME TO GO BROKE?"

me: (equally angry but still capable of being calm and reasonable)"how do you expect me to do my stuff on the desktop when i have to wait for the DOB to finish with his work everyday?? the only time it's available is from midnight onwards, i need my sleep, woman!! and there's no privacy! i can't even watch videos or listen to any music without having you people screaming at me to turn it down cuz you want to watch your stupid tv shows. can you stop shouting at me and handle this diplomatically? crazy woman..."

psychotic mom gone wilder: "WHO ARE YOU TO CALL ME CRAZY WOMAN? I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU....YES, I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU"

me: (trying hard not to smirk) "you think you're so hardcore, saying that? who's the one being unreasonable here? i'm just asking you to increase my allowance so that i can save up for a mac."

result? nothing. the argument is being postponed to another day. we can't be shouting at 12 in the morning. not going to give our neighbours more excuses to hate us. i can't imagine why though, we're so nice....

i is moth, moth is me. nothing different

i love pisang goreng

yesterday was a really bad day. not only did i realise i lost my ATM card, i remembered that i forgot my online banking username and password...oh, that sounds like an oxymoron!!! naturally, mom went ballistic, though it was a lot more tame than how she used to react. guess she's used to my carelessness. BUT, pedro, my cat, HAD to make things worse by jumping onto the piano(which he's forbidden to go near to but he doesn't listen) and broke a crystal vase that my aunt gave us as a gift. A CRYSTAL VASE. HELL NO!!! but he did, and my mom didn't get very mad about it cuz this is not the first time he's destroyed something in my house. in fact, this is the 5th time, i think. yes, he's a destroyer, like me. i think that's why we bond so well, we're so much alike.

and now, right this moment, my mom and HIM (my dad, but i don't really think of him as my dad, i'll just refer to him as Daft Ol' Bat, or DOB from now on) are just screaming away at each other, telling one another to go to hell and everything nasty. it's a common sight, i'm not scared or surprised. sometimes i think it's better for them to just have a divorce. at least, better for my mom. i hate seeing that DOB calling my mom names like that. he even hit her once, a year ago. but if i interfere, calling him to shut his bloody mouth and all, standing up for my mom, I'M the one who gets the scolding!! from my mom!! and i'll go, i'm sticking up for you, bitch( yes, i call her bitch when i'm really mad, and she understands)!! why do you let him push you around? are you a weakling? can't you defend yourself??? guess she took my "advice", she's starting to stand up for herself now, and i'm proud =)

and people never understood why i keep saying that my home is not the least bit warm and fuzzy. it's a NIGHTMARE!!!

psyched

I'M GONNA HAVE MY OWN WEBSITE!!!!!!!!! UBER COOL, RIGHT??? finally, i'm gonna have something that's totally mine. i can design it in any way i want, or write anything i feel like saying to the world. i'm super excited and i can't wait to start trashing it with my thoughts and stuff!! WOOHOOO!!!

i'm a happy bunny...tra-la-la-la-la

I'M RECKLESS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i need some miracle sweets.......

upset

OH-MY-GAWD!!! i'm flipping mad at myself! still haven't learned my lesson after last years' incident where i lost my IC. mom's right, why can't i just grow up and be more responsible for myself? LOST MY ATM CARD!!! how am i gonna survive without money?????

guess this is just who i am: careless, immature, overly sensitive, way too emotional(drives my family crazy sometimes), and just plain STUPID AND ANNOYING!! i know!!! i know that i'm so irritating, people sometimes wish i'm a bug so that they can squash me, or i'd just buzz away. i remember saying this to my sister when she got mad because i've been annoying her non-stop when she was busy doing something, i said: i really like to irritate you, it's FUNNNNN!!!!!!! i'd hate to have a younger sister like me

GOSH, AFTER READING THROUGH MY LAST POST I JUST REALISED HOW SILLY I SOUNDED. AS MUCH AS I WOULD LIKE FOR IT TO HAPPEN, I STILL FEEL LIKE I SOUNDED LIKE AN OVERLY OBSESSED BE LIEVER OFR THE SUPERNATURAL STUFF. TOO ENTHUSIASTIC